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Week 15

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Dear S,

You are now 15 weeks old and have had a very busy couple of weeks! You are getting better at grabbing things and have started to put toys to your mouth to explore them. You have learned how to take your own dummy out and with lots of concentration you can sort of put it back in ( with a little help from mummy). You do this with your bottle too though that’s not quite so useful;)

We had our second jab day and you were very brave, mummy not so much. Daddy had to go away for the night which meant mama came to help which you loved as it meant lots of walks and cuddles. We discovered that you are too big for your carrycot so had to put you in the pram. You also had your first nighttime walk. You loved this as you love looking around you, taking it all in. You love being in your harness with daddy and walking around the shops, looking at the colours and shapes and smiling at people.

Mummy also took part in her first group Bible study, lots of people came for it and you charmed them all. Mummy felt so blessed that people came over for a study, it was an answer to prayer.

You have been a little bit poorly these past few days as your teeth are starting to come in, you still try to smile through the tears though despite being in pain.

This past week you have found your feet for the first time. Mummy didn’t see it but the lady who helps us from the children’s centre was holding you when you reached for your feet. Since you have been born the Lord has answered my prayers and sent us lots of help and support. Lots of new people have come into our lives which has been overwhelming but also so good as well. Having you has changed my life completely as I never used to see anyone, I was very isolated and you have come along and changed that. Each day we grow in confidence together and get closer. Mummy needs help right now because she is poorly but I pray everyday for help from the Lord and He sends it whether its strengthening me or sending someone to support us and help us.

I love being your mummy, you are a joy to be around.

You are so loved by so many people

Love you


Written on the 8th of October 2015


As the Father hath loved me, so I have loved you: continued ye in my love .
John 15:9

Letter to my baby

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Dear S,

             You are now 3 months old and I can’t believe how much you have changed in that time. You have grown so much you are now in the 91st percentile for length, you are such a joy to look after you dropped your 2 o’clock feed at 8 weeks and you go to sleep on your own. You  love to smile at anyone you meet, yesterday you took your first proper interest in a book which excited me no end. You like lights and the colours red and purple. You’ve been holding your head up for a little while now and you are very eager to get going you are very fidgety but can keep your attention on things for a long time. You have started to hold objects, reach for things and try to put things to your mouth I love watching you learn and grow.

I wish I could bottle it up, every smile, every expression, every cuddle, noise, cry, kiss, every time you do, see or discover something new and save it all to revisit whenever I wanted. Sometimes I wonder if I hold you too much but, you see I can’t bring myself to put you down. I know one day this will be over so I am taking every chance to hold you in my arms.

I didn’t know it was like this that love could be so deep so instinctual, feelings are fleeting and fickle but the need to take care of you no matter how ill I feel is strong and the need to keep you safe, its what gets me up in the mornings and keeps me fighting each day.

You are my little miracle, my gift from God, who loves you even more than I can. He wants you here S, he has a great plan for your life and I hope one day you come to know him.

He helps me everyday he helped me give birth to you, he helped me carry you, he formed you in my womb and he is helping me now while I take care of you.

Each day he grants with you is a gift and though I can’t do much physically I can love you, I can meet your needs and comfort you with Gods strength and guidance. He will be there for you S whenever you need him. I will let you down and get things wrong as I am only human but he never will.

I love you my precious little boy and I thank God for the privilege of being your Mum



For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee; fear not, I will help thee

Isaiah 41:13

I called out to my Lord

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I just want to thank those who have shown me kindness for my last post, I was in two minds whether or not to share these feelings but I do believe in order to be honest about what God is doing we need to share those things that aren’t very nice, the things that He is working on.

I said I was going to pop over and keep sharing Gods goodness to me and something happened yesterday that definitely shows His love and care.

I woke up feeling unwell and very tired, I was shaky and struggling to get up, I had a couple of nasty vertigo attacks which frightened me. They are a little more scary now I am pregnant and I worry I will hurt my baby by falling or walking into something. I knew I needed to get up to eat so I prayed and I kept praying I asked God for help, I knew there was no one else I could call on and as I walked down the stairs I kept praying, just as I got to the bottom there was a knock on the door. My Mum stood there on the doorstep in the pouring rain and I wept. She came and sat with me and we prayed together then she did a little housework for me while I had quiet time and then shared with her. She said that she came that day as she was in town but as she walked up the road she said to the Lord, I have a feeling I am meant to be here today. She doesn’t normally come to my home when she is in town as it’s a bit of a walk.

As I read my bible yesterday I got to the part where Jesus walked on the sea and got into the boat with the disciples. In that verse it states that they willing received Him and I saw that Jesus is always there nothing can storm Him from coming to our aid, we just need to ask for help and receive.

16And when even was now come, his disciples went down unto the sea, 17And entered into a ship, and went over the sea toward Capernaum. And it was now dark, and Jesus was not come to them. 18And the sea arose by reason of a great wind that blew. 19So when they had rowed about five and twenty or thirty furlongs, they see Jesus walking on the sea, and drawing nigh unto the ship: and they were afraid. 20But he saith unto them, It is I; be not afraid. 21Then they willingly received him into the ship: and immediately the ship was at the land whither they went.

John 6:16-17


Gratitude journal: Forgiven

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Last night as I sat down to do this page I thought about the biggest thing I have to be grateful for. The Lords sacrifice. This is what brings the peace, the joy, this is what reminds us who we are in Him, this is the reason why we sing and praise Him. When we think about The Lord, who He is and what He has done you cannot help but thank Him.

He lowered Himself and stepped out of eternity to become a man, He felt pain, He felt tired and He felt hunger. He was completely sinless. He kept the Jewish law (Gods law) fully.  He knew what was going to happen yet He still went ahead and allowed them to take Him. Those judging Him found no fault in Him but due to a tradition they were compelled to do as asked and let go a convicted murderer and kill The Lord Jesus in his place. He was beaten, He was mocked, He had to carry His cross to Calvary. We all know this story, (well I think most of us do) But it’s when we understand one important thing that we then turn to Him and humble ourselves before Him and thank him.


While on that cross Jesus took on the guilt of every single sin of the world, everything that man has ever done in the future and in the past. Everything. He who is perfect took on the guilt of the world. Why? He loves us.  So that is why we rejoice because we feel that love and we know we are undeserving of it as He knows everything in our hearts yet He loves us and died for us anyway. And we rejoice because He didn’t leave us, He was risen again as He promised and now He will be with anyone who turns to Him and when we accept this gift and turn to Him we are justified in the eyes of God The Father. There is nothing we can do to earn this gift of salvation, it is all pure grace.

So, yesterday I thought about this and reminded myself of the best reason I have to be grateful to God. There is nothing I can do to express that gratitude and it is a debt I will never be able to repay. And one I am very very grateful for.

Romans 3:24 (KJV):  Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus


Gratitude Journal

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???????????????????????????????I thought I would pop by again with my thoughts on my first day of documenting my thankfulness to The Lord.

This was actually done yesterday and I was hoping to get the page finished today however I woke up today not feeling too great, I am very tired and I was very tempted to just not bother blogging but I realised it’s days like today that this is all the more important. I may feel ill and be struggling with anxiety but I still have a lot to be grateful for.

So yesterday while working on this page I was thinking about all the physical things I have in my life that I am grateful for. My family, my home, my bed, the fact that I have a husband who takes really good care of me, the fact we have food to eat. All these things I have and there are many people out there who would wish they had them. So why be grateful to God? Because it says in His word:

1 Chronicles 29:11 (King James Version (KJV)):
11 Thine, O Lord is the greatness, and the power, and the glory, and the victory, and the majesty: for all that is in the heaven and in the earth is thine; thine is the kingdom, O Lord, and thou art exalted as head above all.

Everything I have has been given to me by Him, He owns it all, He created it all. Nothing I can do can earn anything from Him and it has nothing to do with who I am or what kind of a person I am. Its all down to His goodness and mercy. Why He chooses to give some things to some people and not to others I do not know. I cannot see into anyone elses heart or lives like He can so I don’t know what He has given others, none of us do. I try not to take things on face value (which isn’t easy) as we never actually know.

???????????????????????????????All I know is what He has done for me and given me and I find myself taking for granted these things. So I am thanking Him and giving Him the glory for my being alive, for having the people I do in my life and for my home, my bed, the food I have to eat, my cats, my clothes as I have not done anything to deserve any of it. Thank you Lord.

God Bless


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It feels like it been a long time since I posted something here, and it actually wasn’t. Its just a lot has happened.

Things are continuing to improve and I am still getting out more, I have managed some walks into town alone (wow) and have been out shopping with family a couple of times too. I am still seeing more of my family, we had a lovely bonfire night celebration at my sisters new home.

We are still continuing to do home improvements and are starting our living room at the moment. The garden is all packed up and hubby has a couple of pumpkins that he is very excited about trying.

However I am not sure if that’s all that I should be focusing on anymore. It is so wonderful to share how the Lord has been helping me in practical ways and I do love to share (and still will!) but it’s what happens in my heart that is more important.

The past month I have been fighting tiredness, fatigue and confusion again, I am not very motivated and I have been feeling a little down as I haven’t been able to do as much as I was and I haven’t done much at all in the way of creativity, there are reasons for this that I am not ready to share just yet. But I do really want to battle this though and the only way to do so is by immersing myself in Gods word, worshiping Him and thanking Him for the blessings He gives me. That is why I have come here as doing things like this online helps to motivate me and encourages me to be a little more disciplined. I have to say though this is nothing compared to what I have been though before and some of the reasons I am going through this are good ones. I know this will pass and I just want to use it as an opportunity to grow closer to Jesus and I haven’t been doing that. I am hoping blogging about it will help me.

I ended up having to move my blog, it looks a little different now, I simplified it so I can just concentrate on getting through this down time and, hopefully I can share how knowing the Lords helps this. Just because I have become a Christian doesn’t mean that bad feelings go or illness or pain yes, He does take these things away for some people, but I don’t know of any instance where He takes it all away. I have a few theories why, but who am I to know or question this? However if you wish people to come to you because they want to know and love you, giving everyone what they want isn’t really going to achieve that. Plus, how do we grow and change if we don’t go through trials? How do we get stronger in Him, how do we learn to care about others if we don’t understand what it feels to hurt? And the wonderful thing about knowing the Lord is He carries out burdens when they are too great so we don’t burn out and we can come out stronger for it, leaning in His strength.

I know that if I have the right attitude about this I will come out with a stronger faith and a closer walk with Him. I have to admit my attitude hasn’t been great so far but everyday is a new day.

So, one thing is, I am going to start a gratitude journal again, I am ashamed to admit I have fallen into some old thought habits and have been a little self piteous. There are so many people suffering so much more than I ever have and have a better attitude than me and I have a great many things to be grateful for.  I shall share them here as I go along.

God bless



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I am a little late with my overview of August. It has been a very busy time and so I am now very tired. However I am finding I am recovering so much quicker than I used to.

A few more milestones were reached in August though that I wanted to share…

This month I reached a huge milestone.. and that was I actually ate a meal out! I went to my in-laws for dinner, for the first time in 6 years and a week later I went to MacDonalds. I am actually not a fan of MacDonalds truth be told but it was the only place we could think of where I could try to sit down in a public place and eat where it would be quick and I could leave and not worry about leaving the food behind and wasting money. I haven’t eaten a meal out with husband since 2007. It was hard, I will admit. Even though I am slowly getting better, I really believe that, I am left with anxiety and agoraphobia. I am not surprised by this given how long I was isolated. But, with the Lords constant help I am getting out more. I really couldn’t do it without Him.

I have been spending some time at my sisters new house as she and her husband are refurbishing. It has been pretty amazing as it wasn’t that long ago my Mum moved and I couldn’t even go and visit her new house as I felt so unwell let alone help with the jobs of moving. They actually bought me the hatch to the loft to clean just because I felt so bad that I couldn’t help. And this past month I have been helping strip and prepare walls for painting, doing tip runs with hubby and generally trying to provide support to both my sister and her husband as it is a very stressful time.

We celebrated a birthday this month, my nephew turned 5! Usually I know we would say it went by quick but considering what has happened in that time and the fact that my life used to go by painstakingly slowly I have to admit I don’t feel that way ;) It is wonderful to be able to spend time with him on his birthday though, before I would spend a maximum of 20 minutes there and be so poorly afterwards it would take a long time to recover. I was there 3 hours and even played pass the parcel.

I am still continuing to go into shops and that is going from strength to strength I have been wallpaper shopping with my sister and I have done a couple of weekly shops with husband, which, to be honest I am still struggling to believe.


 Our lovely new heart, above our bed, a pressie from Little sis and her hubby.

We decorated our bedroom, we have lived here for 7 years and never decorated our bedroom, for many years it was left in darkness for somewhere for me to go when my symptoms became unbearable. Now as I sit here typing the curtains are open, the windows are open and it is clean and looking nice again.

I have still been doing a little exercise and have actually been out a couple of times for a jog! I never even did that when I was well! Starting off very small but even small was too big for me at one time.

I am still working hard to get my uni work done and a few more jobs in the garden have happened. Plus I am trying to do more around the house and lift husbands burdens he has been carrying for so many years. I am finding I am having to stop for periods at a time as I am getting very tired. I am still sleeping a fair amount during the day especially the mornings. It is a long process but one I feel more and more confident about each day.

Doing normals things is such a wonderful privilege denied to so many, I am finding that being able to do things such as house work, paint a room, go for a walk, go shopping, all things that used to seem like such chores and like there were better things to do now are such a wonderful things to me. Everything I do I do for the Lord. He sustains me, He renews me, He builds me up and He comforts me. When I get tired I know I can spend time in His word and talk to Him and He will guide my steps and reveal Himself to me He will speak to me and answer my prayers, relive my worries, and comfort my soul.

I look back to that day when I called out to Him, I was the lowest I had ever been, I felt I had no one to turn to, no one to help me out of the constant anxiety, dizziness, confusion, fatigue, pain, every muscle in my body was so tense and I had forgotten how to relax. Everything moved constantly and had for so long I didn’t know what it felt like to feel normal, to have normal feelings that weren’t extreme and unpleasant. I couldn’t remember what it felt like to relax. But now as I look back I am struggling to remember how it felt to be that unwell. All I remember is that, when I finally turned to Him I was helped though it by my wonderful savior. How he sits with me when I am scared, how He comes to me when I need Him. And how even though I came to him with selfish intent, wanting to be healed He still saved me and took me a better way, a way that brought me to know Him, an understanding of who He is and that all He wants is me to love Him, nothing more. He could’ve have just healed me then and there, I know he could but instead He has strengthened me, He has taken me down difficult paths and with His help He has taught me what it means to be a follower of Him and I am so glad He did this. By revealing Himself to me He has revealed myself to me also, I learned who I was and I didn’t like it.

I reached out my hand


Everyone has problems in this life, no one is exempt from pain, grief or worries. It is only by leaning in Him we come to realise that He is the only way to get though these times. And that His only priority is that we have a relationship with Him, forever. So He will use those times to teach us to trust in Him and His strength, He will use our pain to heal us and to change us. And, ultimately we realise it is not, nor ever was about us, its about Him. It was or never is about what He can do for us, but about what He has already done. That is when we come to a place of true healing. He didn’t have to create us, He didn’t have to give us this life, He didn’t have to come down and sacrifice His own life to get us out of the mess we had got ourselves into. He choose to do these things because of who HE is, not of who we are. Forgiveness is there we just need to accept it and receive the true healing of the soul.


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