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I called out to my Lord

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I just want to thank those who have shown me kindness for my last post, I was in two minds whether or not to share these feelings but I do believe in order to be honest about what God is doing we need to share those things that aren’t very nice, the things that He is working on.

I said I was going to pop over and keep sharing Gods goodness to me and something happened yesterday that definitely shows His love and care.

I woke up feeling unwell and very tired, I was shaky and struggling to get up, I had a couple of nasty vertigo attacks which frightened me. They are a little more scary now I am pregnant and I worry I will hurt my baby by falling or walking into something. I knew I needed to get up to eat so I prayed and I kept praying I asked God for help, I knew there was no one else I could call on and as I walked down the stairs I kept praying, just as I got to the bottom there was a knock on the door. My Mum stood there on the doorstep in the pouring rain and I wept. She came and sat with me and we prayed together then she did a little housework for me while I had quiet time and then shared with her. She said that she came that day as she was in town but as she walked up the road she said to the Lord, I have a feeling I am meant to be here today. She doesn’t normally come to my home when she is in town as it’s a bit of a walk.

As I read my bible yesterday I got to the part where Jesus walked on the sea and got into the boat with the disciples. In that verse it states that they willing received Him and I saw that Jesus is always there nothing can storm Him from coming to our aid, we just need to ask for help and receive.

16And when even was now come, his disciples went down unto the sea, 17And entered into a ship, and went over the sea toward Capernaum. And it was now dark, and Jesus was not come to them. 18And the sea arose by reason of a great wind that blew. 19So when they had rowed about five and twenty or thirty furlongs, they see Jesus walking on the sea, and drawing nigh unto the ship: and they were afraid. 20But he saith unto them, It is I; be not afraid. 21Then they willingly received him into the ship: and immediately the ship was at the land whither they went.

John 6:16-17

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Hard Lessons

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In October last year I found out I am pregnant. I am going to be honest here as at first I was more shocked and scared than I was excited. Hubby and I had the belief that we couldn’t conceive, many reasons why which as bit too private for here so we were very shocked when I took the test and it was positive. In fact hubby only got the test to humor me because I had a feeling something wasn’t right.

Since I became a Christian I have found that my life has had many changes, and I have been asked to face many fears. Things I have fretted over for years, such as the possibility of having surgery on that lump. Turns I was asked to face that and have surgery plus I have faced fears of going to hospitals, drs, having medical procedures, going into shops and getting out more, on my own and with others.

However there was one fear that I am an now being asked to face that is a true biggie. Being pregnant and giving birth. I’ve never discussed it with anyone before as I was afraid of how I would be perceived. There are people who ache to have children which is why my guilt on feeling this way is so heavy. But God knows my heart and I can say He is the only one who know how deep this fear runs. He saw how I would react when I thought about being pregnant how sometimes I would go into full panic mode if I thought I was. He knows that as my illness progressed and took me deeper into isolation that my fear deepened and took hold more  as I couldn’t see how I could look after a baby with this illness let alone give birth and carry for nine months. I convinced myself that if we got pregnant they would take my baby away as I was unfit. However He has still granted us a child, a child I know He loves and is protecting. And this has caused me to question my past thoughts and feelings.

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The hospital visits have been tough, and it took 6 scans to finally not get upset as every time as I have struggled to do what is asked of me(because of the dizzies) As I look back though I can see Gods hand in it all, gently getting me to keep trying, to keep going as He builds me up. Allowing me moments of weakness then asking me to try one more time. His gentleness, faithfulness and patience to someone who was initially so ungrateful for His gift makes me love Him all the more. As I have looked around and seen how people are to each other about children I have come to realise that the judgement of the world is so much harsher and crueler than any judgement the  Lords makes on sin. So many people say how can a loving God do this or that. But as I have looked for support and a shoulder to cry on all I see is judgement and arguments and competition and cruelty to people who desperately need compassion. It’s been a very tough lesson but I know now that the only one who understands and listens with true compassion is Jesus.

Apart from the hospital/dr visits and my illness getting worse there have been some very lovely times along the way. And I , so far have found my fears were unfounded. In the beginning I handled the sickness pretty well, the headaches the tiredness etc,  I have had a couple of nasty illnesses and infections that have knocked me back as well as the dizziness gradually getting worse, that, as usual is the hardest to deal with. However we have had some lovely times planning and preparing for this child, picking out a pram and seeing hubby walking around the shop with it smiling is a memory I will always treasure, he is a wonderful and supportive man I am very blessed to have him. My dizziness caused me to fall and pass out one day and he was making me laugh in the hospital as he was talking to our baby as he/she was being monitored for movement watching baby move to the sound of daddies voice was pretty special. Seeing the excitement of family and friends has been wonderful too and some relationships have blossomed and old hurts have been forgotten.

Something else that has shocked me was when I was sent to s a specialist because of a problem with one of the scans I was shocked by how angry and protective we felt when they wanted us to do a dangerous procedure we didn’t want to do and when I passed out and fell onto my bump, I was horrified and I realized that the instinct to protect this baby is there despite my fears of being an unfit Mum. I haven’t been able to look at the screens (except one) in the scans as I couldn’t see properly but hearing the heartbeat has always been amazing. My midwife too has been wonderful and has tried her hardest to find me help and support.

One other thing that comes to mind is that I was faced with how bad my diet actually is, because I have always been overweight and I was bullied in the past I believed that I ate too much I thought it was my fault. When I fell and I was told to eat more I was surprised I always thought I would be someone who would be told to eat less and put on too much weight. As I looked I realised I was going 16/17 hours with no food and only having one big meal, I would snack in the evening but they were unhealthy snacks. So I have been trying really hard to eat better, at better times and little and often. I think this will be something I will have to look into further when this baby is born as what I eat still isn’t great but I have had no appetite for most of it so have been eating whatever doesn’t make me feel unwell. It definitely makes a huge difference knowing I have to look after myself for l this little life growing inside of me.

Oh, and I have finally been sent back to have by balance issues looked at, like I said as I look back I can see Gods hand in all of this, especially how He has used the more unpleasant times. I could say more but hopefully I will feel be able to blog more about Gods goodness to me in the future. I am started to see the healing that He is bringing to me through all this.

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One thing I do know for sure is that it was in the Lords will for this baby to be conceived, and I am resting in that fact as I know He is protecting my child and that He has always loved this baby. He knows everything there is to know about this child and planned this before the dawn of time, I find that comforting.

Gratitude journal: Forgiven

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Last night as I sat down to do this page I thought about the biggest thing I have to be grateful for. The Lords sacrifice. This is what brings the peace, the joy, this is what reminds us who we are in Him, this is the reason why we sing and praise Him. When we think about The Lord, who He is and what He has done you cannot help but thank Him.

He lowered Himself and stepped out of eternity to become a man, He felt pain, He felt tired and He felt hunger. He was completely sinless. He kept the Jewish law (Gods law) fully.  He knew what was going to happen yet He still went ahead and allowed them to take Him. Those judging Him found no fault in Him but due to a tradition they were compelled to do as asked and let go a convicted murderer and kill The Lord Jesus in his place. He was beaten, He was mocked, He had to carry His cross to Calvary. We all know this story, (well I think most of us do) But it’s when we understand one important thing that we then turn to Him and humble ourselves before Him and thank him.

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While on that cross Jesus took on the guilt of every single sin of the world, everything that man has ever done in the future and in the past. Everything. He who is perfect took on the guilt of the world. Why? He loves us.  So that is why we rejoice because we feel that love and we know we are undeserving of it as He knows everything in our hearts yet He loves us and died for us anyway. And we rejoice because He didn’t leave us, He was risen again as He promised and now He will be with anyone who turns to Him and when we accept this gift and turn to Him we are justified in the eyes of God The Father. There is nothing we can do to earn this gift of salvation, it is all pure grace.

So, yesterday I thought about this and reminded myself of the best reason I have to be grateful to God. There is nothing I can do to express that gratitude and it is a debt I will never be able to repay. And one I am very very grateful for.

Romans 3:24 (KJV):  Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus

 

Gratitude Journal

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???????????????????????????????I thought I would pop by again with my thoughts on my first day of documenting my thankfulness to The Lord.

This was actually done yesterday and I was hoping to get the page finished today however I woke up today not feeling too great, I am very tired and I was very tempted to just not bother blogging but I realised it’s days like today that this is all the more important. I may feel ill and be struggling with anxiety but I still have a lot to be grateful for.

So yesterday while working on this page I was thinking about all the physical things I have in my life that I am grateful for. My family, my home, my bed, the fact that I have a husband who takes really good care of me, the fact we have food to eat. All these things I have and there are many people out there who would wish they had them. So why be grateful to God? Because it says in His word:

1 Chronicles 29:11 (King James Version (KJV)):
11 Thine, O Lord is the greatness, and the power, and the glory, and the victory, and the majesty: for all that is in the heaven and in the earth is thine; thine is the kingdom, O Lord, and thou art exalted as head above all.

Everything I have has been given to me by Him, He owns it all, He created it all. Nothing I can do can earn anything from Him and it has nothing to do with who I am or what kind of a person I am. Its all down to His goodness and mercy. Why He chooses to give some things to some people and not to others I do not know. I cannot see into anyone elses heart or lives like He can so I don’t know what He has given others, none of us do. I try not to take things on face value (which isn’t easy) as we never actually know.

???????????????????????????????All I know is what He has done for me and given me and I find myself taking for granted these things. So I am thanking Him and giving Him the glory for my being alive, for having the people I do in my life and for my home, my bed, the food I have to eat, my cats, my clothes as I have not done anything to deserve any of it. Thank you Lord.

God Bless

Trials

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It feels like it been a long time since I posted something here, and it actually wasn’t. Its just a lot has happened.

Things are continuing to improve and I am still getting out more, I have managed some walks into town alone (wow) and have been out shopping with family a couple of times too. I am still seeing more of my family, we had a lovely bonfire night celebration at my sisters new home.

We are still continuing to do home improvements and are starting our living room at the moment. The garden is all packed up and hubby has a couple of pumpkins that he is very excited about trying.

However I am not sure if that’s all that I should be focusing on anymore. It is so wonderful to share how the Lord has been helping me in practical ways and I do love to share (and still will!) but it’s what happens in my heart that is more important.

The past month I have been fighting tiredness, fatigue and confusion again, I am not very motivated and I have been feeling a little down as I haven’t been able to do as much as I was and I haven’t done much at all in the way of creativity, there are reasons for this that I am not ready to share just yet. But I do really want to battle this though and the only way to do so is by immersing myself in Gods word, worshiping Him and thanking Him for the blessings He gives me. That is why I have come here as doing things like this online helps to motivate me and encourages me to be a little more disciplined. I have to say though this is nothing compared to what I have been though before and some of the reasons I am going through this are good ones. I know this will pass and I just want to use it as an opportunity to grow closer to Jesus and I haven’t been doing that. I am hoping blogging about it will help me.

I ended up having to move my blog, it looks a little different now, I simplified it so I can just concentrate on getting through this down time and, hopefully I can share how knowing the Lords helps this. Just because I have become a Christian doesn’t mean that bad feelings go or illness or pain yes, He does take these things away for some people, but I don’t know of any instance where He takes it all away. I have a few theories why, but who am I to know or question this? However if you wish people to come to you because they want to know and love you, giving everyone what they want isn’t really going to achieve that. Plus, how do we grow and change if we don’t go through trials? How do we get stronger in Him, how do we learn to care about others if we don’t understand what it feels to hurt? And the wonderful thing about knowing the Lord is He carries out burdens when they are too great so we don’t burn out and we can come out stronger for it, leaning in His strength.

I know that if I have the right attitude about this I will come out with a stronger faith and a closer walk with Him. I have to admit my attitude hasn’t been great so far but everyday is a new day.

So, one thing is, I am going to start a gratitude journal again, I am ashamed to admit I have fallen into some old thought habits and have been a little self piteous. There are so many people suffering so much more than I ever have and have a better attitude than me and I have a great many things to be grateful for.  I shall share them here as I go along.

God bless

 

August

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I am a little late with my overview of August. It has been a very busy time and so I am now very tired. However I am finding I am recovering so much quicker than I used to.

A few more milestones were reached in August though that I wanted to share…

This month I reached a huge milestone.. and that was I actually ate a meal out! I went to my in-laws for dinner, for the first time in 6 years and a week later I went to MacDonalds. I am actually not a fan of MacDonalds truth be told but it was the only place we could think of where I could try to sit down in a public place and eat where it would be quick and I could leave and not worry about leaving the food behind and wasting money. I haven’t eaten a meal out with husband since 2007. It was hard, I will admit. Even though I am slowly getting better, I really believe that, I am left with anxiety and agoraphobia. I am not surprised by this given how long I was isolated. But, with the Lords constant help I am getting out more. I really couldn’t do it without Him.

I have been spending some time at my sisters new house as she and her husband are refurbishing. It has been pretty amazing as it wasn’t that long ago my Mum moved and I couldn’t even go and visit her new house as I felt so unwell let alone help with the jobs of moving. They actually bought me the hatch to the loft to clean just because I felt so bad that I couldn’t help. And this past month I have been helping strip and prepare walls for painting, doing tip runs with hubby and generally trying to provide support to both my sister and her husband as it is a very stressful time.

We celebrated a birthday this month, my nephew turned 5! Usually I know we would say it went by quick but considering what has happened in that time and the fact that my life used to go by painstakingly slowly I have to admit I don’t feel that way ;) It is wonderful to be able to spend time with him on his birthday though, before I would spend a maximum of 20 minutes there and be so poorly afterwards it would take a long time to recover. I was there 3 hours and even played pass the parcel.

I am still continuing to go into shops and that is going from strength to strength I have been wallpaper shopping with my sister and I have done a couple of weekly shops with husband, which, to be honest I am still struggling to believe.

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 Our lovely new heart, above our bed, a pressie from Little sis and her hubby.

We decorated our bedroom, we have lived here for 7 years and never decorated our bedroom, for many years it was left in darkness for somewhere for me to go when my symptoms became unbearable. Now as I sit here typing the curtains are open, the windows are open and it is clean and looking nice again.

I have still been doing a little exercise and have actually been out a couple of times for a jog! I never even did that when I was well! Starting off very small but even small was too big for me at one time.

I am still working hard to get my uni work done and a few more jobs in the garden have happened. Plus I am trying to do more around the house and lift husbands burdens he has been carrying for so many years. I am finding I am having to stop for periods at a time as I am getting very tired. I am still sleeping a fair amount during the day especially the mornings. It is a long process but one I feel more and more confident about each day.

Doing normals things is such a wonderful privilege denied to so many, I am finding that being able to do things such as house work, paint a room, go for a walk, go shopping, all things that used to seem like such chores and like there were better things to do now are such a wonderful things to me. Everything I do I do for the Lord. He sustains me, He renews me, He builds me up and He comforts me. When I get tired I know I can spend time in His word and talk to Him and He will guide my steps and reveal Himself to me He will speak to me and answer my prayers, relive my worries, and comfort my soul.

I look back to that day when I called out to Him, I was the lowest I had ever been, I felt I had no one to turn to, no one to help me out of the constant anxiety, dizziness, confusion, fatigue, pain, every muscle in my body was so tense and I had forgotten how to relax. Everything moved constantly and had for so long I didn’t know what it felt like to feel normal, to have normal feelings that weren’t extreme and unpleasant. I couldn’t remember what it felt like to relax. But now as I look back I am struggling to remember how it felt to be that unwell. All I remember is that, when I finally turned to Him I was helped though it by my wonderful savior. How he sits with me when I am scared, how He comes to me when I need Him. And how even though I came to him with selfish intent, wanting to be healed He still saved me and took me a better way, a way that brought me to know Him, an understanding of who He is and that all He wants is me to love Him, nothing more. He could’ve have just healed me then and there, I know he could but instead He has strengthened me, He has taken me down difficult paths and with His help He has taught me what it means to be a follower of Him and I am so glad He did this. By revealing Himself to me He has revealed myself to me also, I learned who I was and I didn’t like it.

I reached out my hand

 

Everyone has problems in this life, no one is exempt from pain, grief or worries. It is only by leaning in Him we come to realise that He is the only way to get though these times. And that His only priority is that we have a relationship with Him, forever. So He will use those times to teach us to trust in Him and His strength, He will use our pain to heal us and to change us. And, ultimately we realise it is not, nor ever was about us, its about Him. It was or never is about what He can do for us, but about what He has already done. That is when we come to a place of true healing. He didn’t have to create us, He didn’t have to give us this life, He didn’t have to come down and sacrifice His own life to get us out of the mess we had got ourselves into. He choose to do these things because of who HE is, not of who we are. Forgiveness is there we just need to accept it and receive the true healing of the soul.

Garden

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I was going to post this last week but it ended up being quite a busy week as I was helping my sister with her new home doing a few jobs, tip runs with hubby etc as there is a lot of work to be done.

I was glad for the distraction as our pet bearded dragon died early last week and I was surprised to discover how used I was to having him in my living room, we got him not long after we moved here so it felt very strange for a while after he was gone. I also didn’t realise how much I talked to him! (I am not afraid to admit I talk to my pets ;)) not being able to get out meant he was company for me for a long time. Plus I had to face the fact that I couldn’t just leave the house to take my mind of it until hubby was home, I had to face it full on, this was a tough lesson I have to admit.

Anyway. What I wanted to talk about was my garden. Last year I shared how I wanted to grow a few things in pots to get me out a bit and hubby was very happy about this so he bought me a little potting bench for my birthday last year. Well I enjoyed it so much and the weather this winter was so mild that we decided to do some actual work in the garden as it had been neglected for so long. Hubby tried his best to keep the lawns down but holding a job, a business and then studying as well as taking care of me and the house meant the garden wasn’t a priority. But things are different now.

During the work

Hubby did all the big work, he chopped down the back hedge and took out a few trees at the bottom of the garden and we discovered our garden was a fair bit bigger than we thought! He built a raised bed there and we planted onions and potatoes. We bought him a little greenhouse as he wanted to grow tomatoes and they took off that much that we had to by another one just for them! He also seeded some pumpkins in there which have now been planted in the garden, also in his greenhouse he has grown some cucumbers, chillies, peppers and melons.  Plus I still wanted to grow some carrots in my pots again. Also just after my operation a neighbor came over with some peas and bean plants for us so we planted them also. How blessed are we?

How it looks at the moment, except that the onions are now strung and the potatoes are out, plus the trees have been moved as we need to cut the hedge again.

It has been a huge learning curve for us, some things have worked, others not so much, we are both really enjoying doing it together though and walking around the garden together with a cuppa discussing what needs doing next. I have missed doing things with him so much, I think that’s been the biggest blessing.

One of the casualties was a melon and a couple of pumpkins, the one on the bottom right is still going strong though.

God willing, next year we would like to do more work and grow more food, I would dearly love to get him a proper greenhouse if funds allow. I don’t think we will do as many things next year, this year was more about learning, seeing what we enjoy growing and what works and what doesn’t. And we have learned a lot. Though I do wish I had kept a journal on it so I think I might try and do that next year.

Some of the produce we have had from our garden

We definitely prefer growing food to anything else, even though I like flowers I like to have a ‘working’ garden. If that makes sense. Hubby has a couple of trees in pots so hopefully we will have some fruit as well. Though when we go on our drives we like to keep an eye out for apple trees and damsons etc. I will share about that in another post though.

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Almost forgot our peas! Didn’t get many but we have learned a few things if we do them next year.

Like I said there is more work to be done, I really want to get our little outhouse painted and more trees need removing but I am so pleased with the work we have done this year. It feels grand to have a project to do when last year I couldn’t spend more than ten minutes in the garden without feeling faint. I still do feel unwell but my stamina is definitely improving.

I thank the Lord for His provision and I thank Him for strengthening me more and more so I can do these things and get such pleasure from working on His creation. And enjoy spending time with hubby again, time is so very precious with our loved ones and I hope I never take him for granted ever again. I have to say being ill is very hard, especially when it was really bad but it has made me very grateful to be able to do some things again I used to take for granted.

God bless

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