Testimony

Comfort one another (a testimony of Christs love to a depressed heart)

In October 2018 I fell and hurt my ankle, it was quite impressive as I fell off a step in soft play with little A and landed full weight on my ankle. One hospital trip later and I am hobbling about on crutches. I pulled the ligaments in my foot, my foot and ankle swelled up and was pretty painful to walk on.

So why am I sharing this today? Because something struck me that I really wanted to share here.

When some people saw my foot they looked very concerned and said things like ‘oh dear, that looks painful’. Which is lovely and I am so grateful for peoples concern and their help.  And they are right, it is was very painful (and still does hurt, 3 months later). However, it is not as painful as the anxiety and fear my dizzyness causes, not as painful as the depression that just keeps coming back and makes the smallest task almost impossible. Because you could see the bruise on my foot you could see the pain I was in. But you can’t see my anxiety, my dizziness, my depression. You can see me hobbling around with crutches trying to do things but you can’t see me fighting the internal things I am dealing with.

Being a Christian with mental illness can be hard, the difference between an illness and fear from not trusting Jesus is hard to understand for some people, even if they have experienced it themselves and are better. I’ve heard a lot of theory’s from many well meaning brothers and sisters in Christ.

But only Jesus knows. He made us, He knows what chemicals make up our bodies and what is wrong with them. He knows what happened to us that has made us like this. He sees all. He sees our pain, He sees our anguish. He sees our heart. Only He knows what is borne out of bitterness, envy, strife and what is not.

I need to say this to myself as well, but God does NOT punish our sins with illness. This is not a punishment for personal sin. It may be a consequence of the fall or even a consequence of sin (which is not a punishment and of which there is always forgiveness available) forgiveness is there for anyone who wants it and being ill does not take that forgiveness away. Our feelings are not an indicator of our salvation as It has nothing to do with us, if you have repented and trusted in Jesus as your Savior, then you ARE saved. And, it is totally possible to have joy and peace in Jesus and still suffer from this, I know because I do have that joy and that peace in me. Even if some days I need to remind myself of that fact.

I do not know why The Lord has not healed me, I don’t know why He let me fall so spectacularly so I pulled all the ligaments in my ankle. I do know that He loves me, that Jesus died and rose again so that I could be forgiven of my sins. I know that He takes no pleasure in anything bad that happens to me, that it hurts Him to see me in pain. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

And I know that He is coming back and when He does, there will be no more dizzyness, depression, migraines, anxiety or pain, I will be free in body as I am in spirit. 1 Corinthians 15:52

So if you are reading this, having a bad day and know The Lord please remember that this is temporary and He has a great plan that involves you:

17 Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord. 18 Wherefore comfort one another with these words.
1 Thessalonians: 17-18

So tomorrow I will wake up and pray for help to get out of bed as I always do, I will face the day because He lives and He is with me. And if you want Him to be, He will be there with you too.

 

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Testimony

Dash Cam

Romans 5:8

My husband received a dash cam for Christmas and as he was setting it up I asked if it recorded sound. He replied yes, but I will switch it off. I was relived when he said that, then I realised something.

Why was I afraid to be recorded talking? What is it I say that I don’t want anyone to hear? This really challenged me so I went to the bible and this is what I discovered.

In Hebrews 4 it says:

 12 For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. 13 And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are naked and open to the eyes of Him to whom we must give account.

Why was I so concerned about my words being recorded when The Lord knows my thoughts? Hears everything I say and He is the only one who has the right to judge.

It also says this in Psalm 139:

7Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence? 8If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.

There is no where that I can go from His sight.

It doesn’t matter what I say, He has heard it, it doesn’t matter what I do, He has seen it, it doesn’t matter what I think, He knows it. And He still sent his son to die for me.

John 3:

 16For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. 17 For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.18 “He who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.

 

christmas · Testimony

Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift

1 Corinthians 2:15

When this time of year comes around I like to remind myself of all that the Lord has done for me in the past year. Around this time last year we decided to try for another baby and now not only are we celebrating Christmas with little S we have a 3 month old as well!

When I had my breakdown at the end of 2009 I had the worst Christmas of my life. I genuinely thought that things would never improve. If someone had said that I would be celebrating Christmas 7 years later with my husband and children, estranged family and wonderful friends I would not have believed it.

Christmas used to be for me a time of panic and pressure, a time when I was reminded of how lonely and isolated I was and how difficult my illness made it for my husband. He wanted so much for me to enjoy it and I felt like I just kept letting him down. I would go online and see my family enjoying Christmas and I would be bitter and angry that I was so unwell I struggled to even get out of bed.

Now I know Jesus Christmas is a time that I am reminded of my assurance of salvation in Christ. It’s a time where I feel incredibly grateful for all I have. I now feel excited when I think of my future instead of dread and fear.

I can do things, get out, go to parties. I can enjoy the company of those I love and go shopping for gifts on my own!

However that pales in comparison to how wonderful it is to be in the care of our almighty God, knowing He loves me and has forgiven me through His wonderful son and my saviour. So thanks be to God for this indescribable gift, the best, the first and the only gift that matters. This time next year most of us will have forgotten what gifts we received this Christmas but God’s gift to us is eternal and will never fade, break or rot. Have you accepted this awesome gift?

Happy Christmas!