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Letting go

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So, in light of me talking about how I am going to trust God and not make any plans or resolutions etc this year this is what has happened in the first week of 2014.

First off, I have taken down all of my old blog posts from before I became a Christian. The posts spanned back all the way to August 2008 which is when I began blogging and so much has changed. Because I changed significantly when I became a Christian in May 2013 and my blog has reflected those changes so I feel it is time to take down the old and focus on my life as it is right now. So many wonderful things have happened to me and even though it is nice to look back sometimes, that old lost and frightened person is gone and has been replaced with a person with hope, peace and joy. 

I have no idea how or what I will be sharing on my blog as I don’t know what is going to happen. I will just continue to take each day as it comes and share as I go along 🙂

The next thing that has happened is that I finally finished my drawing module for Uni. I started a degree via distance learning 2 years ago and it has been a challenge to say the least.

Before I started I talked to the disability support about my illness and not being able to draw outside or move very much and we talked about ways I could work around it. However after a few months I found that it wasn’t going to be that easy. I really struggled to communicate to my tutor my limitations and I found myself getting upset as I  had to face over and over again the things I really wanted to do but couldn’t such as go to galleries etc

I found that drawing large and for a long time made me quite ill and was told that drawing from photos wasn’t ideal but I couldn’t think of any other way of drawing a landscape from my sofa.

I got to the point where the thought of doing the work brought me to tears, I would sit with my pencil and paper sobbing as I couldn’t bring myself to do the work. I felt isolated, misunderstood and like I was letting my illness win. I suffer from confusion and would get very frustrated as I struggled to understand some of the principles of drawing I was asked to learn, I would get angry and upset about it.

So I took a 6 month break, little did I know in that time I would a) get very very ill again and b) find solace and comfort in the Lord Jesus. So when I returned I had a new attitude to the work, all the previous issues where still there but I now had the help and strength of God to help me. Without that I know I would never have finished and would have given up.

So now I am looking forward to starting the next module, this time I have made sure I have communicated fully what my limitations are and was able to have a skype meet (something not available when I first started) and my new tutor was incredibly understanding (much like the new drs I have found recently too! ;))

So here is to letting go! To moving on without bitterness (as it really was down to my own issues and wanting to bury my head in the sand regarding my illness) and starting anew.

Maybe now I will feel like I can share more of this journey? Only God knows! 🙂

God Bless!

 

Focusing on the good

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This week I have been nursing a migraine and feeling a bit blergh.

So I thought I’d write a post on what we did when hubby was off for a couple of days last week. I think its helps to remind myself of the good things that happen.

On Thursday we went to my Mums for bonfire night, my eyes can’t really deal with the contrast of light outside at night so I went indoors to eat and chill. I actually felt pretty relaxed which is new and when hubby told me I had been out for 2 hours I couldn’t believe it! I almost felt normal! So amazing!

The Friday we had an awesome day, it started out with a huge cheesecake being delivered to my door, sent from my best mate.

Then, that afternoon we went for a drive, hubby mentioned he needed to pop into town and drop me off first, I felt led to offer to join him he was a little shocked to say the least (believe me it was a surprise to me too!) So he pulled up and I walked down the street to the shop with him, bought myself a poppy (something I used to do every year before I became ill) and we walked back.

 

While I was walking back, tears were streaming down my face, I couldn’t believe how wonderful everything was, I kept stopping to look into shop windows and dragging hubby across the road to look at stuff, it was pretty amazing. I wont lie, it was really hard at first because the traffic was so loud but it really did bring home to me how much I appreciate being out as I don’t get to do it much. The world is a beautiful place!

When we got back the power was out in the street, I was a little worried at first but I soon calmed down and we put some candles on and just chilled out together, it was  almost a shame when it came back on (after a couple of hours) and then we had this for tea:

Fair food! I got upset the week before as, once again, I was too ill to go the fair, I really really miss going, so hubby bought it to me. He even made me a cuppa in polystyrene cup!

So that was hubbies time off, we had a pretty good day Sunday too as he went apple picking and I got to finally meet the in-laws puppy.

I have to say looking back over the last 6 months,  I can’t quite believe how much has happened. I have managed to do more in the past few months than I have managed in years, I see my family regularly and I have even managed to cook for myself a few times! I am seeing more Drs (I developed a huge fear of them after everything that happened) I have grown some food, been into a few shops. I can’t quite believe it. I have no idea what is going to happen but I do know since I decided to let God take over things have markedly improved. I used to feel so useless to the world but I know I am anything but to the Lord. 🙂

God Bless everyone and if you are having a bad time,  I hope you manage to find something good to focus on today.

Blanket

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So apart from my rag rugging post it has been a while since I stopped by, a lot has happened in the past couple of  months. In fact it has seemed a lot longer, looking back I am a little shocked thats all its been.  Suffice to say things got worse, a lot worse and my mental health took a bit of a kicking again. I did, however find a doctor and I have started treatment to help my hormones and thyriod. I also was sent for an MRI by another doctor but I couldnt do it as I am unable to lie flat, this knocked me back a bit and I am still trying to dig deep and find that positive Hannah that I know is there. Things are getting better though, slowly but there is is progress, I have been seeing more of my family, I have been into a few shops recently plus I have managed to attend Church a couple of times, I never thought I would be able to do that.

Creativity wise I havent done as much as I would like but I did finally finish my big blanket which I am pleased with, I am slowly starting to get back into my journal something I will share later, for now though, here is my blanket:

It was actually finished a few weeks back but at least I have something pretty to show you now I am back 🙂

Thanks again for everyones support and for keeping me company, it gets very lonely (and very scary) sometimes and distraction is very much needed!

 

Big hugs and God bless you all xx

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