My Faith · vertigo

Letting go

So, in light of me talking about how I am going to trust God and not make any plans or resolutions etc this year this is what has happened in the first week of 2014.

First off, I have taken down all of my old blog posts from before I became a Christian. The posts spanned back all the way to August 2008 which is when I began blogging and so much has changed. Because I changed significantly when I became a Christian in May 2013 and my blog has reflected those changes so I feel it is time to take down the old and focus on my life as it is right now. So many wonderful things have happened to me and even though it is nice to look back sometimes, that old lost and frightened person is gone and has been replaced with a person with hope, peace and joy. 

I have no idea how or what I will be sharing on my blog as I don’t know what is going to happen. I will just continue to take each day as it comes and share as I go along 🙂

The next thing that has happened is that I finally finished my drawing module for Uni. I started a degree via distance learning 2 years ago and it has been a challenge to say the least.

Before I started I talked to the disability support about my illness and not being able to draw outside or move very much and we talked about ways I could work around it. However after a few months I found that it wasn’t going to be that easy. I really struggled to communicate to my tutor my limitations and I found myself getting upset as I  had to face over and over again the things I really wanted to do but couldn’t such as go to galleries etc

I found that drawing large and for a long time made me quite ill and was told that drawing from photos wasn’t ideal but I couldn’t think of any other way of drawing a landscape from my sofa.

I got to the point where the thought of doing the work brought me to tears, I would sit with my pencil and paper sobbing as I couldn’t bring myself to do the work. I felt isolated, misunderstood and like I was letting my illness win. I suffer from confusion and would get very frustrated as I struggled to understand some of the principles of drawing I was asked to learn, I would get angry and upset about it.

So I took a 6 month break, little did I know in that time I would a) get very very ill again and b) find solace and comfort in the Lord Jesus. So when I returned I had a new attitude to the work, all the previous issues where still there but I now had the help and strength of God to help me. Without that I know I would never have finished and would have given up.

So now I am looking forward to starting the next module, this time I have made sure I have communicated fully what my limitations are and was able to have a skype meet (something not available when I first started) and my new tutor was incredibly understanding (much like the new drs I have found recently too! ;))

So here is to letting go! To moving on without bitterness (as it really was down to my own issues and wanting to bury my head in the sand regarding my illness) and starting anew.

Maybe now I will feel like I can share more of this journey? Only God knows! 🙂

God Bless!


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