healing · My Faith · NHS

What a week!

HannahLeave a comment

This post was written at the beginning of last week about the week before but I felt led to write something else instead. I still want to share what happened to me that week though so I am publishing it now 🙂 (last week was much harder due to the mega Sunday migraine but I did have one nice afternoon making lip scrubs with my sister which I am hoping to share soon)

 

Well last week was the busiest week I have had in I reckon about 4 years. So much happened it was a little overwhelming. So this weekend my body forced me to rest as the dizziness kicked in full force on Saturday but it’s OK, I feel so very blessed that I was given the strength to do so much last week.

On Tuesday I had a scan, now, a year ago I refused to even go to the GPs when I was so ill I was spitting up blood and now I am going for scans! I can’t quite believe it, I have waited a very long time to find out what the lump is on my head and prayers would be much appreciated x It was hard, I won’t lie, especially after I was too ill to do the MRI in May so I leaned very hard on the Lord for help and not only did he help me to do the scan I went into Aldi a few hours later and picked out myself some wellies!! So grateful! I live very near to some woods which get very muddy in the winter and usually I just don’t venture out much in winter as I tend to be a lot worse but this year I felt that I will need something for my feet 🙂

Wednesday I had a little visit from my 2 yr old nephew who had picked me out a plant in the shop, bless his heart.

Then Thursday I had a great post day! A letter from an online friend and the Crafty Creatives Christmas box! Hubby bought it me as we haven’t been able to afford much in the way of craftyness supplies this year, which I am ok with, I have plenty but I am still very grateful for this awesome gift. I will be back with what I have done with it very soon 🙂

I also took my box to my Mums and made the decoration in the photo, I was there for a couple of hours which is just well, pretty amazing, I think I might have pushed myself a bit too far with that one but I recovered fairly quick from feeling ill from it and back to the baseline of symptoms so I am really pleased.

Friday was another Dr day and I also managed to pop onto a little Tescos to pick a magazine and go back out again. I also spent most of the day popping in and out of the online auction room and wow it was so exciting! They did about 27 hours I think and made 57 grand for charity how amazing is that? They didn’t get round to selling my blanket they had a lot of lots left over, but I was still a little emotional when I heard how well they did. My blanket is now on silent auction which is running until the 13th of December link is here should you wish to check it out.

So that was my week! The weekend was spent resting resting and resting some more as a huge migraine hit me and forced me into bed for most of Sunday and Saturday was dizzy city but to be honest I feel so blessed and so grateful to have done everything I did last week that I didn’t mind resting and if I have to rest this week too, well so be it. (Turns out that is exactly what happened ;))

Wish you all an awesome week! I will try to come back with some crafty news soon as I don’t want to keep boring you with my life updates I am just so excited as these things happen and I spend such a large amount of time indoors unable to get off the sofa without  my symptoms getting a lot worse that I just feel the need to document when the Lord does something awesome for me! 🙂

 

God Bless you all

 

 

My Faith

Alone

Hannah4 Comments

All weekend I have been writing a post about last week as I wanted to share with you what wonderful things happened to me that week, I will post that but today I feel led to share something else.

I spend a lot of time alone, before I was saved I felt very lonely, I would cry most days as I felt totally rejected and useless by the worlds standards. After a few years I started to get scared of being alone, I began to worry about something happening to me and no one knowing or caring. I relied heavily on people to be there for me and when they started to move away I  panicked I felt like no one cared and the world had totally rejected me. Everyone seemed busy and burdened by their own cares. I started to get thoughts that there was only one way out….then God stepped in.

Things have improved a lot since then but I still find myself slipping into old ways, when I feeling supported by people I feel better but then something will happen someone will be busy or decide that the method of communication is too much for them and the old feelings of rejection start to creep in. These feelings have come back to me a few times recently. Last night I read my Bible and felt lost like it wasn’t going in, so I stopped reading I started to doubt and feel afraid. Then today I was writing in my journal and a snippet of what I read yesterday came back to me, so I re-read the psalm that I stopped reading last night. And I read this:

It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man. – Psalm 118: 8 (KJV)

I didn’t get to that bit, I felt too let down by people and like I didn’t matter, I allowed my old feelings to get to me but the LORD was trying to tell me something. Thankfully He doesn’t give up, He will keep telling you until it sinks in.

Being lonely is scary, relying on people is frightening, when you are vulnerable and need people you feel more vulnerable and when those people start to move away you feel like you are too much of a burden, I have even had people tell me I am too much of an effort for them, family members who felt I was being selfish because I was so ill I couldn’t get to them. So I would sit here hoping someone would notice how lonely I was how scared I was and someone did, someone who knew all along. Someone who’s love I deserve the least but loves me more than anyone can.

We live in a society where people are expected to deal with their own issues, neighbors who don’t know each other and people who need help more than others are being told they are too much of a hassle for society to deal with. We are only human we can’t take on the cares of everyone we all have our own pain and issues. Don’t get me wrong there are people who go to the ends of the earth to care for people I know there are and I have had a lot of support from people which I am very grateful for. It isn’t always a personal thing, though it may feel that way. We try our best to be there but sometimes we just can’t do it all the time. But God can and he understands our limitations.

I wanted to share this with you I because I wanted to let you all know you are not alone, you are never alone.  Even though we may forget it sometimes.

Note: just to say when King David wrote that Psalm he wasn’t talking about not feeling supported because of an illness, far from it. My situation is very far from his 😉 I am not a preacher nor a teacher, I am very new to the faith and there are are better people out there than me who can explain the context scripture. But I do know that the Lord was using his word to comfort and reassure me that he is here and he will not let me down.

crochet

Auction

Hannah3 Comments

I just want to say thanks to the kind words spoken to me from the last post, it was pretty wonderful to be able to share some good news with you all 🙂

Since then I did take a bit of a turn for the worse, but that doesn’t mean that I am less hopeful as the Lord is with me everyday and now when I am bad I can go to him for comfort and help. I receive so much support from my husband, family and friends (including you guys!) I am very blessed.

I have popped over to share something with you today, do you remember the blanket I showed earlier in the year? Well it is being auctioned off in a record breaking auction for charity. The money it raises will go towards a charity very close to my heart, Annabel’s Angels. I am sure you remember me sharing how I lost a friend last Christmas. Well her husband Simon and friends she met on the Macmillan forum have set up Annabel’s Angels  to raise money for the hospital she was treated at and other cancer charities. They have done amazingly well, he has climbed mountains, in the summer many many ladies ran the race for life and most weekends Simon and friends can be found shaking buckets and filling bags at supermarkets and football games and they have already raised a lot of money which I know will be helping many people living with cancer right now.

The auction is here and it has over 2000 lots, there are a few charities taking part and there are some amazing things on offer, from cars to books and even some things donated by celebrities. My blanket is here should anyone wish to make a bid 😉 (this is the site that you can bid on)

Also another friend of mine has donated one of her paper-cuttings which I love, that is available here.

N.B – So silly me, in my foggy brained stupor thought the auction was tomorrow but its not its on the 28th.  Oh well, proof I suppose of how my brain is as I never really know what day it is 😉

Thank you and God bless you all x

Gratitude · healing · MAV · migraine associated vertigo · My Faith · Uncategorized · vertigo

Focusing on the good

Hannah4 Comments

This week I have been nursing a migraine and feeling a bit blergh.

So I thought I’d write a post on what we did when hubby was off for a couple of days last week. I think its helps to remind myself of the good things that happen.

On Thursday we went to my Mums for bonfire night, my eyes can’t really deal with the contrast of light outside at night so I went indoors to eat and chill. I actually felt pretty relaxed which is new and when hubby told me I had been out for 2 hours I couldn’t believe it! I almost felt normal! So amazing!

The Friday we had an awesome day, it started out with a huge cheesecake being delivered to my door, sent from my best mate.

Then, that afternoon we went for a drive, hubby mentioned he needed to pop into town and drop me off first, I felt led to offer to join him he was a little shocked to say the least (believe me it was a surprise to me too!) So he pulled up and I walked down the street to the shop with him, bought myself a poppy (something I used to do every year before I became ill) and we walked back.

 

While I was walking back, tears were streaming down my face, I couldn’t believe how wonderful everything was, I kept stopping to look into shop windows and dragging hubby across the road to look at stuff, it was pretty amazing. I wont lie, it was really hard at first because the traffic was so loud but it really did bring home to me how much I appreciate being out as I don’t get to do it much. The world is a beautiful place!

When we got back the power was out in the street, I was a little worried at first but I soon calmed down and we put some candles on and just chilled out together, it was  almost a shame when it came back on (after a couple of hours) and then we had this for tea:

Fair food! I got upset the week before as, once again, I was too ill to go the fair, I really really miss going, so hubby bought it to me. He even made me a cuppa in polystyrene cup!

So that was hubbies time off, we had a pretty good day Sunday too as he went apple picking and I got to finally meet the in-laws puppy.

I have to say looking back over the last 6 months,  I can’t quite believe how much has happened. I have managed to do more in the past few months than I have managed in years, I see my family regularly and I have even managed to cook for myself a few times! I am seeing more Drs (I developed a huge fear of them after everything that happened) I have grown some food, been into a few shops. I can’t quite believe it. I have no idea what is going to happen but I do know since I decided to let God take over things have markedly improved. I used to feel so useless to the world but I know I am anything but to the Lord. 🙂

God Bless everyone and if you are having a bad time,  I hope you manage to find something good to focus on today.

bookbinding

Creative Pressie Giving

Hannah4 Comments

In my last post I mentioned that I feel I am being given little projects to do to help with my confidence, today I thought I’d share one of those projects with you.

In September my little sister turned 30 and we wanted to do something special for her, if you remember I was made a lovely journal for mine and we wanted to do something that would suit her personality and something she could treasure. So this is what we did:

My sister enjoys drawing tattoo designs, she also loves shoes, so I copied some of her designs on to a pair. I also popped some Swarovski Crytals on there as she loves a bit of bling 🙂

She also loves handbags, so we made her a bag that folds out with lining in printed with photos and a we made her a book with photos in, both have  crystals on of one her tattoo designs.

I made some charms to go on the bag, she loves owls so I used one I got out of a Crafty Creatives box when I subscribed to them. The flower was done from a tutorial in Crafty Magazine.

We had some printed fabric left so I made her a sketchbook for her designs and used the rest of the fabric for the inside. (Photos are of her and her hubby)

Now I have to say that before, this kind of project would have stressed me out but this didn’t, I really enjoyed every part of it, which is what I mean about giving me projects to do to boost my confidence. Seeing something through when you have spent so long having to stop doing things so often is just well, its hard to describe, it feels amazing. This was nearly a year in the making and obviously I didn’t do it alone, It was a family project but when a problem came up I was able to see it objectively and just, as we brits like to say, get on with it. I trusted it would get done, even during the times when it really looked like it wouldn’t and things happened that we had no control over and, well, it did 🙂

It was wonderful to see her face when she opened all this. And I do thank God for this wonderful experience and chance to show my little sis how much I love her and appreciate her.

What have you made for someone you love?

God Bless

(btw, no affiliate links in this post, just providing info you all)

Gratitude

Thankful

Hannah6 Comments

So after some heavy blog posts I thought I would share some lighter things with you today 🙂

I stopped doing my gratitude lists when my work load got heavy late last year, one of the many things I was unable to do which ultimately made me worse again. So I feel its time to start this again, its all the sweeter now I know who it is I have to thank! 🙂

So here are some things I am grateful for at the moment:

1: I had a visit from my nephew today, he is growing up so fast and was a big ball of happy energy, such a pleasure, made me laugh lots!

2: A successful crop of potted veg. Not just because we have some wonderful food that has come from our garden but also I was able to see this through, from planting to watering and then harvesting. I can’t tell you how amazing it feels to actually see something through to the end and not been forced to give it up part way. I thank God for these little projects that are slowly building up my confidence and belief in myself.

3. Gestures of kindness, the lovely Claire offered to send me a magazine to read as she is aware that they are a bit of a rare treat for me. She sent me a crochet magazine I haven’t been able to read yet.
4. Making bath bombs with my sister. I will post more about this soon as its on my bucket list. It sure was a lot of fun!
I feel so blessed to have these moments and memories, I have a lot to be grateful for in my life as each day brings new blessings. I am so grateful for the people in my life, for the food I eat and my home 🙂

What are you grateful for?

God Bless!

 

health · My Faith

Thank you

Hannah4 Comments

I just want to thank everyone who took the time to connect with me after my last post. So many of you reached out to me with love and kindness and I thank God for you all.

Many times I have shared very private things on my blog and I know some people struggle to understand why. The internet is full of people who are bitter and angry and want to pull people down, I know this. The day after I posted the last post I went online and saw so many nasty comments to people that it literally hurt to read. The thing is though, this illness has meant I have had some very lonely times. Being housebound a lot of the time is hard and lonely and makes you feel like the world is carrying on without a care for you.

Behind every keyboard is a human just wanting to be heard, to connect and to feel like their life matters in some way and has some use. Even the nasty ones. We all have our struggles and pain and  I write these things to let anyone else suffering know they aren’t alone. That someone cares and someone understands. Even though I still miss some human interaction I don’t feel alone or useless anymore.

I have never in my whole life felt like I fit in, I have always been someone who is quiet (unless you are super close to me) reserved, sensitive, introverted and this has made me a target for many bullies and controlling people throughout my life. I have always struggled with feelings of inadequacy and feeling useless to the world, something that being ill makes a lot worse. But the Lord has given me a purpose and  he loves me regardless of how the world sees me. I know that now. And I don’t have to let other peoples anger make me bitter or be scared anymore of the bullies. When someone lashes out, it is never, ever about the person it is aimed at, always the person it has come from.

So, thank you again for listening, hearing me and letting me know that to some people at least my story matters 🙂

I was going to share some makes I have done recently, but I think I will leave it there for now. I just wanted you to know you are appreciated.

Much love to you all and God bless

 A bruised reed He will not break,
And smoking flax He will not quench –

Matthew 12:20

My Faith

Testimony

Hannah14 Comments

I always find it a little difficult to come back to my blog after a bit of a break. I never intend to take a break, it just always happens. I would love to be able to keep up a regular pace but, well, life doesn’t work that way.

I do have to admit though I was unsure if I was going to come back after the last one, but it just feels right to share this now.

I have been blogging now since August 2008 and a lot has happened in that time. I’ve tried to document as much as I could. Not always easy as I know fellow bloggers will agree. Life doesn’t fit neatly into segments ready to blog, we have to pick it apart to try and work out what people would actually care about and what we wish to document (the latter being more important to me as that’s why I started this blog in the first place) I never expected anyone to read it, I made it public in case it helped anyone else with the same illnesses.

As I am sure you will have guessed this year hasn’t been the easiest for me. I got what I call ‘super ill’ again back in April and, well, I gave up. Chronic and mental illness comes in waves, some waves you can stand up against but some come crashing over you and overwhelm you, you end up being pulled out to sea and thrashed about until you are so tired you cant swim back without help. So I gave up 7 years of fighting to just keep treading water came to an end and I let myself sink.

I could go into what happened, the warning signs, the circumstances, the people that hurt me, but whats the point? It happened I can’t change it.

What I am here to share is what happened to me while I was out there in the sea dragging me down. I called out to God. And he answered. No one was more surprised by this than me. Believe me. Of course Christianity is something I’ve known about a long time, some of my family members are Christians. I have always prided myself on being someone who accepted and ‘understood’ all ‘walks of life’ and I thought I knew and understood Christianity, turns out I knew nothing.

What do I mean by answered? I mean just that, He answered. I went from feeling like there was only one way out to feeling at peace in an instant. I didn’t do anything I just asked for help and I got it. And I’m still getting it.

No one talked to me about God, no person put the thought into my head to call out to Him, it was sheer desperation, I didn’t think anything would happen but it did.

I was no longer afraid of being alone, I started to see and talk to my family again. I stopped wishing myself dead. I have found not one but 4 nice doctors and a therapist who have helped me, been kind to me and I have, finally, been able to forgive all those Drs who have hurt me and been unkind. Never in all the time I have been ill seen so many nice doctors. I’ve never seen so many docs in such a short space of time, no one seems to be giving up on me and I still can’t believe it. There is so much more that has happened to me, everyday brings new blessings and a little bit more healing. The Lord has me now, He isn’t just helping me swim back, He’s pulled me up into his boat and is holding me.

I am still dizzy but my treatment seems to be helping, some symptoms have gone altogether and a lot have got better, I finally feel like I am getting somewhere.

Like I said I write this to document my life and this is too big a thing not to document. I am still so very grateful to everyone who reads my blog and has reached out to me and been there for me. I want you to know if you ever move on there are no hard feelings, I will never stop being grateful or caring for anyone I have met online. Some people online have hurt me deeply and I still care for them and worry that they are ok.

I am new at this and I have no idea what is going to happen or what I will be sharing, I am still very much into my art and crafts but I do it for a different reason now. I still believe firmly in living a life of gratitude but I have a reason to do it now, and someone to be grateful to, who I should have been grateful to all along.  I do know one thing for certain though,

I am not scared of my future any more.

 

God Bless

Garden

Gardening

Hannah3 Comments

A couple of months ago hubby emailed me with a Groupon offer he wanted to take advantage of. It was 5 fruit trees for £25, he does a lot of cooking from scratch (and I mean from scratch, he even makes his own butter) and so we thought it would be nice to have our own fruit from the garden as well. All the trees are in pots and don’t grow very big so we can take them with us when we move. I thought it was a nice idea so I said go for it.

I soon found that I was managing to go out in the garden with him and watch him water these trees, not only that I was enjoying it and looking forward to it, it felt nice to have something small and manageable to do each day that involved going outside so I decided to set myself a little project. I read online it was possible to grow carrots in pots (we eat a lot of carrots) so I decided to do that and go out myself to water them everyday. It has been a nice little project and I ended up potting some spring onions too and my big sister gave me a sunflower to take care of as well that my nephews potted.

So far it has been going well, my carrots are doing well, which I am super excited about, hubby bought me a potting bench for my birthday and my Mum has bought me some tools, its so lovely how my family like to encourage me. I really appreciate them for it.  I managed to paint the top part of my bench which is a huge achievement I feel. I had to lie down afterwards so Hubby finished it off for me and now this is what my little garden corner looks like. I really like it and it does encourage me to pop out each day to check on it all and water if needs be. I am thinking of ways I can  decorate it, maybe it needs a mosaic piece? What do you think?

I decided to move my onions and carrots while the weather is so warm so they get more sun and it worked!

I shall keep you all posted on #carrotwatch, and big thanks to everyone who have encouraged me on Instagram, FB and Twitter with this. I am hoping it is something I can keep up with! It certainly is a wonderful feeling to take care of something like this.

Do any of you like to garden or grow anything in pots? I would love to know about it!