Tag: God

healing · My Faith

Trials

Hannah3 Comments

Journal page from last week while hubby was away

I was hoping to write this earlier however this week has turned out to be a pretty dizzy one. Last week however turned out to be an unexpectedly good week.

A few months ago hubby told me he had been asked to go to Amsterdam for the week to big trade show. I will admit I got pretty upset, he hadn’t been away from home since he went to America with work in 2006 and while he was away my dizziness started. So I am sure you can imagine I was afraid. I prayed about it and knew that I couldn’t ask him not to go even though I really really wanted to and I knew that he wouldn’t go if I did. So I said OK. I put my trust in God.

I then put it in the back of my mind, if I am honest I kinda thought it wouldn’t happen. I was worried but I reminded myself that I had help I have never had before in the Lord. I prayed for support and help for that week and I left it there. I soon found people offering to come and stay with me and visit me, I was still scared but that comforted me.

So Monday morning came and I got upset, I didn’t freak out like the the last time though. My sister came to see me in the afternoon and there were no tears we just chatted and actually had a nice time. My Mum came to stay with me most nights which was wonderful as she prayed with me and we talked about the The Lord, I could feel his presence with us. On the Tuesday night we actually walked to the shop!  I was so surprised and we both said we felt like we were on holiday 🙂

Wednesday I had a friend stay over and my Pastor from church came to see me. I started to feel a bit dizzier by then (which this week has gotten quite a bit worse hence this post being late) but I still had a lovely time with them. Thursday was a harder day as I woke up to a vertigo attack, it was to be expected as I don’t usually go a week without having one. When my friend left I just sat and prayed and the Lord comforted me and helped me though. By the time my Mum came that night I felt better in myself, still pretty dizzy though. That night my sister actually took me out in her car to fetch Mum which was a huge blessing to get out ( I really wasn’t expecting to be able to get out at all that week). Friday afternoon and Tuesday afternoon my little sister came and she always makes me laugh. I have to say I was pretty overwhelmed by how many people wanted to help me, I didn’t ask for any of it. Plus I received lots of support from online friends too. I think I had one wobbly moment in the week and a lovely friend online was there to help.

How I was this time compared to last time was like night and day, just knowing the Lord was there helped me a great deal and He gave me the strength to heat up the meals my hubby left me with hardly any help and just enjoy spending time with those I love. The last time he went away even though I spent time with family I cried almost constantly and couldn’t appreciate being with them. This time was very different.

This has meant I have been able to put a huge fear to rest and that awful experience from when he went to America behind me. I can honestly say last week was a life changing experience for me and healing one. I know I was still ill while he was gone but if I wasn’t I wouldn’t have known if I could have coped with him being away while ill. I know this week wouldn’t have turned out the way it did without the Lords help and that I would have asked him not to go if I hadn’t been guided not too. I am so grateful to Him.

I am grateful to my friends and family too, thank you for being there for me. Considering a year ago I had cut all my family out as I couldn’t cope with seeing them I think we have come a long way. And as I look back I can see all the things the Lord did that felt uncomfortable at the time but have turned out for my own good. I pray I don’t forget this lesson.

God Bless

N.b – Sorry for the poor grammar and bad sentence structure in this post. I hope you understand it ok! 

healing · health · MAV · migraine associated vertigo · My Faith

My January

Hannah2 Comments

I know we are well into February but January was such an amazing month for me I really wanted to share. Since I became ill in 06 each winter has been increasingly hard. I usually get a migraine that lasts a few months and become very depressed. Each year I don’t tend to see or speak to anyone as I am so foggy and confused I cant concentrate just the slightest noise and movement is so uncomfortable and makes me very dizzy. This year has been very different. So I thought Id share my instagram photos.

New years eve I actually left the house! I went to my sisters and she did my nails and hubby played with her little doggy Juju 🙂

I started a cross stitch I got for my birthday last year, I think it might take me a while to finish though 😉

I finally finished my drawing module for uni! (the picture is one of my sketchbook pages)


 Hubby took me out for a chai latte, I don’t get out of the car but it such a blessing to be able to enjoy such a small thing with him.

I blogged a lot last month, usually I only manage one at the most.

I started a little exercise regime, just a few weights, I haven’t managed to keep it up but I was pretty amazed that I felt like starting one at all!


 I started drawing a bit more in my sketchbook, I want to start a bit of a daily project but I am mulling ideas at the moment for that.

Hubby received a curry cookbook for Christmas so every weekend we have had a ‘fakeaway’ I have tried lots of new flavours to me, he loves to cook and I am very blessed.

My sister and her family came over for dinner – this is huge the only other time was my 30th when we had the whole family over but that was in June when the winter migraine has eased back to the usual baseline. I’d never just had my sisters family over as it usually takes so much out of me.

I enjoyed doing some journaling.


 I also had my younger sister and her husband over for curry as well!

I managed 2 walks and the second I took my camera and took some photos for resource material for uni.

I wrote to a dear friend, I am trying to write to people a lot more as I feel it is a nice way to let someone know they are in your thoughts.

The last week (after my walk) I caught a cold so rested with Layla, I read a lot though which is something else I could never normally do especially in winter.

I can’t quite believe it to be honest this is the busiest January I have had in seven years. I truly believe it is all down to God, He gives me the strength to keep going and He is guiding me all the way in my recovery.

I hope you all had a wonderful January too! The beginning of February has turned out to be a bit of a life changing week, but I will blog about that next time. God Bless you!

My Faith

Just wanted to share

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Today I want to share something..

A few months back I was watching a video on youtube of someone sharing their testimony, at the end she said she wanted to sing but it had run over too much. However she shared how she had listened to a song called Make You Feel My Love (the version sung by Adele) not long back and she pointed to the camera and said ‘Jesus told me this song is for you’.

I thought nothing of it to be honest.

2 Days later I am in the hospital, I am sat in the waiting room feeling scared and shaking and a song came on the radio, it was that song. As tears were falling down my cheeks I looked up and looked around at all the people in the waiting room and felt such compassion for them all, I wondered if they were as scared as me and if they could hear Gods message, I felt so blessed that I had the Lord to lean on. I calmed down and stopped shaking.

This Christmas my sister created an album of songs and gave each of us a CD as a gift. Today I listened to it and there was that same song……..

Gods messages are everywhere, listen, He is talking to us all.

He loves us so much and He has and will do anything for us to feel it, we just have to listen.

God Bless

N.B – Just want to say a big thank you to my little sister for the lovely and thoughtful gift, I love being part of a family who shares their gifts with each other xxx Such a blessing!

My Faith · vertigo

Letting go

HannahLeave a comment

So, in light of me talking about how I am going to trust God and not make any plans or resolutions etc this year this is what has happened in the first week of 2014.

First off, I have taken down all of my old blog posts from before I became a Christian. The posts spanned back all the way to August 2008 which is when I began blogging and so much has changed. Because I changed significantly when I became a Christian in May 2013 and my blog has reflected those changes so I feel it is time to take down the old and focus on my life as it is right now. So many wonderful things have happened to me and even though it is nice to look back sometimes, that old lost and frightened person is gone and has been replaced with a person with hope, peace and joy. 

I have no idea how or what I will be sharing on my blog as I don’t know what is going to happen. I will just continue to take each day as it comes and share as I go along 🙂

The next thing that has happened is that I finally finished my drawing module for Uni. I started a degree via distance learning 2 years ago and it has been a challenge to say the least.

Before I started I talked to the disability support about my illness and not being able to draw outside or move very much and we talked about ways I could work around it. However after a few months I found that it wasn’t going to be that easy. I really struggled to communicate to my tutor my limitations and I found myself getting upset as I  had to face over and over again the things I really wanted to do but couldn’t such as go to galleries etc

I found that drawing large and for a long time made me quite ill and was told that drawing from photos wasn’t ideal but I couldn’t think of any other way of drawing a landscape from my sofa.

I got to the point where the thought of doing the work brought me to tears, I would sit with my pencil and paper sobbing as I couldn’t bring myself to do the work. I felt isolated, misunderstood and like I was letting my illness win. I suffer from confusion and would get very frustrated as I struggled to understand some of the principles of drawing I was asked to learn, I would get angry and upset about it.

So I took a 6 month break, little did I know in that time I would a) get very very ill again and b) find solace and comfort in the Lord Jesus. So when I returned I had a new attitude to the work, all the previous issues where still there but I now had the help and strength of God to help me. Without that I know I would never have finished and would have given up.

So now I am looking forward to starting the next module, this time I have made sure I have communicated fully what my limitations are and was able to have a skype meet (something not available when I first started) and my new tutor was incredibly understanding (much like the new drs I have found recently too! ;))

So here is to letting go! To moving on without bitterness (as it really was down to my own issues and wanting to bury my head in the sand regarding my illness) and starting anew.

Maybe now I will feel like I can share more of this journey? Only God knows! 🙂

God Bless!

 

christmas · My Faith · Scripture

The best gift of all

Hannah1 Comment

Christmas was, as it always is, a quiet one for us. I was again very spoiled with thoughtful gifts but this year I already felt so very blessed as I already had the best gift of all.

Christmas felt very different for me this year, I found I wasn’t as interested in the frivolities of it, I still enjoyed getting a tree and decorating it, I still liked buying and making gifts for those I love. It just wasn’t as important to me as the deep joy and peace I have now at knowing Jesus personally.  I was actually pretty ill over Christmas this year and found myself anxious but, instead of it carrying on for months the feelings passed after a few days and I am enjoying having an extended break with hubby.

And now it is nearly 2014. We have never been bothered about celebrating New Year or making resolutions. I have in the past picked a word for the year and last year I attempted to start a photo a day project and get more organised but, well, life changes all the time, we never know what is going to happen so I am doing nothing like that. I am just going to try to take each moment as it comes and trust God that whatever happens He will bring me through.

I have no idea what 2014 is going to bring but I am sure it will bring new challenges, problems and illnesses because that’s life. When I look back at 2013 to a year that on face value was one of the hardest I have ever had I know it will be ok, because I was ok. I am ok. 🙂 In 2013 I had more doctors and hospital visits than I have ever had, my physical illness and my anxiety got so bad that I came close to giving up. But as the year went on  I found myself facing more, doing more and I have made huge strides in finding the answers to my symptoms and letting things go. I know there is still more to come but God has bought me this far and I know He will not let me go. He shows me this everyday. With His help I have broken bad habits, forgiven those I never thought I could forgive, I see my family more and I worry less, I feel less stressed and have had some of the best nights sleep I have ever had 🙂

I don’t actually think New Year has to be significant if we don’t want it to be, everyday brings new possibilities and the chance to try again. Its just a date on the calendar. I don’t know whats going to happen this year, next month, next week or even in the next five minutes all I know is my Lord will never leave me nor forsake me. (Hebrews 13:5)

 

Thank you again to everyone who is sharing this journey with me, I pray you have a safe and blessed new year, however you celebrate.

 

God bless

 

My Faith

Alone

Hannah4 Comments

All weekend I have been writing a post about last week as I wanted to share with you what wonderful things happened to me that week, I will post that but today I feel led to share something else.

I spend a lot of time alone, before I was saved I felt very lonely, I would cry most days as I felt totally rejected and useless by the worlds standards. After a few years I started to get scared of being alone, I began to worry about something happening to me and no one knowing or caring. I relied heavily on people to be there for me and when they started to move away I  panicked I felt like no one cared and the world had totally rejected me. Everyone seemed busy and burdened by their own cares. I started to get thoughts that there was only one way out….then God stepped in.

Things have improved a lot since then but I still find myself slipping into old ways, when I feeling supported by people I feel better but then something will happen someone will be busy or decide that the method of communication is too much for them and the old feelings of rejection start to creep in. These feelings have come back to me a few times recently. Last night I read my Bible and felt lost like it wasn’t going in, so I stopped reading I started to doubt and feel afraid. Then today I was writing in my journal and a snippet of what I read yesterday came back to me, so I re-read the psalm that I stopped reading last night. And I read this:

It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man. – Psalm 118: 8 (KJV)

I didn’t get to that bit, I felt too let down by people and like I didn’t matter, I allowed my old feelings to get to me but the LORD was trying to tell me something. Thankfully He doesn’t give up, He will keep telling you until it sinks in.

Being lonely is scary, relying on people is frightening, when you are vulnerable and need people you feel more vulnerable and when those people start to move away you feel like you are too much of a burden, I have even had people tell me I am too much of an effort for them, family members who felt I was being selfish because I was so ill I couldn’t get to them. So I would sit here hoping someone would notice how lonely I was how scared I was and someone did, someone who knew all along. Someone who’s love I deserve the least but loves me more than anyone can.

We live in a society where people are expected to deal with their own issues, neighbors who don’t know each other and people who need help more than others are being told they are too much of a hassle for society to deal with. We are only human we can’t take on the cares of everyone we all have our own pain and issues. Don’t get me wrong there are people who go to the ends of the earth to care for people I know there are and I have had a lot of support from people which I am very grateful for. It isn’t always a personal thing, though it may feel that way. We try our best to be there but sometimes we just can’t do it all the time. But God can and he understands our limitations.

I wanted to share this with you I because I wanted to let you all know you are not alone, you are never alone.  Even though we may forget it sometimes.

Note: just to say when King David wrote that Psalm he wasn’t talking about not feeling supported because of an illness, far from it. My situation is very far from his 😉 I am not a preacher nor a teacher, I am very new to the faith and there are are better people out there than me who can explain the context scripture. But I do know that the Lord was using his word to comfort and reassure me that he is here and he will not let me down.

health · My Faith

Thank you

Hannah4 Comments

I just want to thank everyone who took the time to connect with me after my last post. So many of you reached out to me with love and kindness and I thank God for you all.

Many times I have shared very private things on my blog and I know some people struggle to understand why. The internet is full of people who are bitter and angry and want to pull people down, I know this. The day after I posted the last post I went online and saw so many nasty comments to people that it literally hurt to read. The thing is though, this illness has meant I have had some very lonely times. Being housebound a lot of the time is hard and lonely and makes you feel like the world is carrying on without a care for you.

Behind every keyboard is a human just wanting to be heard, to connect and to feel like their life matters in some way and has some use. Even the nasty ones. We all have our struggles and pain and  I write these things to let anyone else suffering know they aren’t alone. That someone cares and someone understands. Even though I still miss some human interaction I don’t feel alone or useless anymore.

I have never in my whole life felt like I fit in, I have always been someone who is quiet (unless you are super close to me) reserved, sensitive, introverted and this has made me a target for many bullies and controlling people throughout my life. I have always struggled with feelings of inadequacy and feeling useless to the world, something that being ill makes a lot worse. But the Lord has given me a purpose and  he loves me regardless of how the world sees me. I know that now. And I don’t have to let other peoples anger make me bitter or be scared anymore of the bullies. When someone lashes out, it is never, ever about the person it is aimed at, always the person it has come from.

So, thank you again for listening, hearing me and letting me know that to some people at least my story matters 🙂

I was going to share some makes I have done recently, but I think I will leave it there for now. I just wanted you to know you are appreciated.

Much love to you all and God bless

 A bruised reed He will not break,
And smoking flax He will not quench –

Matthew 12:20

My Faith

Testimony

Hannah14 Comments

I always find it a little difficult to come back to my blog after a bit of a break. I never intend to take a break, it just always happens. I would love to be able to keep up a regular pace but, well, life doesn’t work that way.

I do have to admit though I was unsure if I was going to come back after the last one, but it just feels right to share this now.

I have been blogging now since August 2008 and a lot has happened in that time. I’ve tried to document as much as I could. Not always easy as I know fellow bloggers will agree. Life doesn’t fit neatly into segments ready to blog, we have to pick it apart to try and work out what people would actually care about and what we wish to document (the latter being more important to me as that’s why I started this blog in the first place) I never expected anyone to read it, I made it public in case it helped anyone else with the same illnesses.

As I am sure you will have guessed this year hasn’t been the easiest for me. I got what I call ‘super ill’ again back in April and, well, I gave up. Chronic and mental illness comes in waves, some waves you can stand up against but some come crashing over you and overwhelm you, you end up being pulled out to sea and thrashed about until you are so tired you cant swim back without help. So I gave up 7 years of fighting to just keep treading water came to an end and I let myself sink.

I could go into what happened, the warning signs, the circumstances, the people that hurt me, but whats the point? It happened I can’t change it.

What I am here to share is what happened to me while I was out there in the sea dragging me down. I called out to God. And he answered. No one was more surprised by this than me. Believe me. Of course Christianity is something I’ve known about a long time, some of my family members are Christians. I have always prided myself on being someone who accepted and ‘understood’ all ‘walks of life’ and I thought I knew and understood Christianity, turns out I knew nothing.

What do I mean by answered? I mean just that, He answered. I went from feeling like there was only one way out to feeling at peace in an instant. I didn’t do anything I just asked for help and I got it. And I’m still getting it.

No one talked to me about God, no person put the thought into my head to call out to Him, it was sheer desperation, I didn’t think anything would happen but it did.

I was no longer afraid of being alone, I started to see and talk to my family again. I stopped wishing myself dead. I have found not one but 4 nice doctors and a therapist who have helped me, been kind to me and I have, finally, been able to forgive all those Drs who have hurt me and been unkind. Never in all the time I have been ill seen so many nice doctors. I’ve never seen so many docs in such a short space of time, no one seems to be giving up on me and I still can’t believe it. There is so much more that has happened to me, everyday brings new blessings and a little bit more healing. The Lord has me now, He isn’t just helping me swim back, He’s pulled me up into his boat and is holding me.

I am still dizzy but my treatment seems to be helping, some symptoms have gone altogether and a lot have got better, I finally feel like I am getting somewhere.

Like I said I write this to document my life and this is too big a thing not to document. I am still so very grateful to everyone who reads my blog and has reached out to me and been there for me. I want you to know if you ever move on there are no hard feelings, I will never stop being grateful or caring for anyone I have met online. Some people online have hurt me deeply and I still care for them and worry that they are ok.

I am new at this and I have no idea what is going to happen or what I will be sharing, I am still very much into my art and crafts but I do it for a different reason now. I still believe firmly in living a life of gratitude but I have a reason to do it now, and someone to be grateful to, who I should have been grateful to all along.  I do know one thing for certain though,

I am not scared of my future any more.

 

God Bless