Month in review · My Faith

August

I am a little late with my overview of August. It has been a very busy time and so I am now very tired. However I am finding I am recovering so much quicker than I used to.

A few more milestones were reached in August though that I wanted to share…

This month I reached a huge milestone.. and that was I actually ate a meal out! I went to my in-laws for dinner, for the first time in 6 years and a week later I went to MacDonalds. I am actually not a fan of MacDonalds truth be told but it was the only place we could think of where I could try to sit down in a public place and eat where it would be quick and I could leave and not worry about leaving the food behind and wasting money. I haven’t eaten a meal out with husband since 2007. It was hard, I will admit. Even though I am slowly getting better, I really believe that, I am left with anxiety and agoraphobia. I am not surprised by this given how long I was isolated. But, with the Lords constant help I am getting out more. I really couldn’t do it without Him.

I have been spending some time at my sisters new house as she and her husband are refurbishing. It has been pretty amazing as it wasn’t that long ago my Mum moved and I couldn’t even go and visit her new house as I felt so unwell let alone help with the jobs of moving. They actually bought me the hatch to the loft to clean just because I felt so bad that I couldn’t help. And this past month I have been helping strip and prepare walls for painting, doing tip runs with hubby and generally trying to provide support to both my sister and her husband as it is a very stressful time.

We celebrated a birthday this month, my nephew turned 5! Usually I know we would say it went by quick but considering what has happened in that time and the fact that my life used to go by painstakingly slowly I have to admit I don’t feel that way 😉 It is wonderful to be able to spend time with him on his birthday though, before I would spend a maximum of 20 minutes there and be so poorly afterwards it would take a long time to recover. I was there 3 hours and even played pass the parcel.

I am still continuing to go into shops and that is going from strength to strength I have been wallpaper shopping with my sister and I have done a couple of weekly shops with husband, which, to be honest I am still struggling to believe.

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 Our lovely new heart, above our bed, a pressie from Little sis and her hubby.

We decorated our bedroom, we have lived here for 7 years and never decorated our bedroom, for many years it was left in darkness for somewhere for me to go when my symptoms became unbearable. Now as I sit here typing the curtains are open, the windows are open and it is clean and looking nice again.

I have still been doing a little exercise and have actually been out a couple of times for a jog! I never even did that when I was well! Starting off very small but even small was too big for me at one time.

I am still working hard to get my uni work done and a few more jobs in the garden have happened. Plus I am trying to do more around the house and lift husbands burdens he has been carrying for so many years. I am finding I am having to stop for periods at a time as I am getting very tired. I am still sleeping a fair amount during the day especially the mornings. It is a long process but one I feel more and more confident about each day.

Doing normals things is such a wonderful privilege denied to so many, I am finding that being able to do things such as house work, paint a room, go for a walk, go shopping, all things that used to seem like such chores and like there were better things to do now are such a wonderful things to me. Everything I do I do for the Lord. He sustains me, He renews me, He builds me up and He comforts me. When I get tired I know I can spend time in His word and talk to Him and He will guide my steps and reveal Himself to me He will speak to me and answer my prayers, relive my worries, and comfort my soul.

I look back to that day when I called out to Him, I was the lowest I had ever been, I felt I had no one to turn to, no one to help me out of the constant anxiety, dizziness, confusion, fatigue, pain, every muscle in my body was so tense and I had forgotten how to relax. Everything moved constantly and had for so long I didn’t know what it felt like to feel normal, to have normal feelings that weren’t extreme and unpleasant. I couldn’t remember what it felt like to relax. But now as I look back I am struggling to remember how it felt to be that unwell. All I remember is that, when I finally turned to Him I was helped though it by my wonderful savior. How he sits with me when I am scared, how He comes to me when I need Him. And how even though I came to him with selfish intent, wanting to be healed He still saved me and took me a better way, a way that brought me to know Him, an understanding of who He is and that all He wants is me to love Him, nothing more. He could’ve have just healed me then and there, I know he could but instead He has strengthened me, He has taken me down difficult paths and with His help He has taught me what it means to be a follower of Him and I am so glad He did this. By revealing Himself to me He has revealed myself to me also, I learned who I was and I didn’t like it.

I reached out my hand

 

Everyone has problems in this life, no one is exempt from pain, grief or worries. It is only by leaning in Him we come to realise that He is the only way to get though these times. And that His only priority is that we have a relationship with Him, forever. So He will use those times to teach us to trust in Him and His strength, He will use our pain to heal us and to change us. And, ultimately we realise it is not, nor ever was about us, its about Him. It was or never is about what He can do for us, but about what He has already done. That is when we come to a place of true healing. He didn’t have to create us, He didn’t have to give us this life, He didn’t have to come down and sacrifice His own life to get us out of the mess we had got ourselves into. He choose to do these things because of who HE is, not of who we are. Forgiveness is there we just need to accept it and receive the true healing of the soul.

health · My Faith

Surgery

Page done the day after my surgery

So not long after I wrote my last post on going to the hospital I received a phone call from my surgeons receptionist asking if I could go in the next morning for my operation as they had had a cancelation. I am sure you can imagine my reaction. But I still said yes, I knew this was in Gods hands and He was leading this as He had done from the beginning.

It is now a week later and I can say it’s been a life changing week. The surgery was to remove a lump from my temple. I have had a small lump above my eyebrow since childhood but over the past few years it, or I believe it was that I dont know yet, started to grow and change shape. I ignored it at first plus I was so ill I hardly noticed it, I never looked in a mirror I didn’t see the point. Other people noticed it though and family was starting to ask and worry about it.

Before the op

However not long after I gave my life to Jesus in May 2013, I went back to the Drs (which was a shock to everyone as I had decided I would never go back again after the treatment I had had). While there my husband mentioned the lump as I had no intention of doing so and the Dr sent me to hospital. I was sent for an MRI last June but I couldnt do it as I can’t tolarate lieing flat so I thought I was discharged. Months later a letter came though the door asking me to go back. I realised then that The Lord wanted me to get this sorted so I went for an ultrasound and a CT both very hard but the Lord strengthened me each time I went.

They still didn’t know what it was so said the best course of action was surgery to get a proper diagnoses. Hence the phonecall last week.

As I look back I can see the Lords hand in all of this. The CT was a big challenge for me and I felt his presence during that so strongly. Every thing I have had to do He has calmed me and considering I suffer from anxiety I know it’s nothing to do with me. Before my operation I felt so peaceful, I had nerves of course I did but I just knew I was doing something I was supposed to be doing and that He was there and I was safe. I accepted my nerves and saw them for what they were and that feelings can not take me out of my Fathers hands.

The few days after were hard, I didnt take very well to all the meds or anasthetic they gave me and was very sick and couldn’t eat properly for a few days, but once again even though my body was shaking and I was being ill I felt peaceful deep inside. Its hard to explain. I think its something that can only be felt to be understood to be honest. This doesnt mean that I didnt cry and get upset because I did, it was a shock to my system and I was in pain (but not as much as I expected to be honest, Praise the Lord). The Lord continually reminded me of His presence and reassured me of His love, He knows my weakness and He understands. He does for all of us.

– This was taken yesterday after my stitches came out, looking at these pics I can’t believe I didn’t realise how much of a difference it made to me, I wasnt bothered by how I look and I’m still not. This wasn’t done for cosmetic reasons at all but I am surprised by how different I feel in myself now its gone.

I have received so much support and kindness from so many people its been overwhelming, I’ve had messages of’ support and so many people praying for me. I have a lovely friend who has been there for me who has provided emotional and spiritual support, I strongly believe the Lord has bought us both together. And then there’s my husband I can’t even begin with that one, he sat in the hospital for nearly 6 hours just so I didnt have to wait after being discharged, I don’t deserve him. He has looked after me since I became ill and I love him very very much. He encouraged me to keep eating, he worries so much when I can’t. I know he won’t read this I just pray that he knows how much I appreciate him and that I show and tell him enough.

I won’t know any more until the test results are back so I have no idea if this is the end or if there is any more to come. I do have a few things that will take time to get used to, my face looks quite different which I wasnt expecting and I dont know if I will gain movement back in my eyebrow (the surgeon did warn me of this) however I do know The Lord will be there no matter what happens as He doesn’t change. Ever.

I know that as health issues go this isn’t the worst thing that can happen but the Lord is there for us in all our trials, He knows our hearts and strengthens us especially those like me who are a little weaker than others. I don’t mind because I know in my weakness I allow Him to reveal His glory so I am happy to be weak.

 

Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you

But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy.

1 Peter 4:12-13 KJV

(I think this part of scripture is about persecution, but the Lord used it to help me through and I am very grateful to Him for it)

God Bless

healing · health · MAV · migraine associated vertigo · My Faith

My January

I know we are well into February but January was such an amazing month for me I really wanted to share. Since I became ill in 06 each winter has been increasingly hard. I usually get a migraine that lasts a few months and become very depressed. Each year I don’t tend to see or speak to anyone as I am so foggy and confused I cant concentrate just the slightest noise and movement is so uncomfortable and makes me very dizzy. This year has been very different. So I thought Id share my instagram photos.

New years eve I actually left the house! I went to my sisters and she did my nails and hubby played with her little doggy Juju 🙂

I started a cross stitch I got for my birthday last year, I think it might take me a while to finish though 😉

I finally finished my drawing module for uni! (the picture is one of my sketchbook pages)


Hubby took me out for a chai latte, I don’t get out of the car but it such a blessing to be able to enjoy such a small thing with him.

I blogged a lot last month, usually I only manage one at the most.

I started a little exercise regime, just a few weights, I haven’t managed to keep it up but I was pretty amazed that I felt like starting one at all!


I started drawing a bit more in my sketchbook, I want to start a bit of a daily project but I am mulling ideas at the moment for that.

Hubby received a curry cookbook for Christmas so every weekend we have had a ‘fakeaway’ I have tried lots of new flavours to me, he loves to cook and I am very blessed.

My sister and her family came over for dinner – this is huge the only other time was my 30th when we had the whole family over but that was in June when the winter migraine has eased back to the usual baseline. I’d never just had my sisters family over as it usually takes so much out of me.

I enjoyed doing some journaling.


I also had my younger sister and her husband over for curry as well!

I managed 2 walks and the second I took my camera and took some photos for resource material for uni.

I wrote to a dear friend, I am trying to write to people a lot more as I feel it is a nice way to let someone know they are in your thoughts.

The last week (after my walk) I caught a cold so rested with Layla, I read a lot though which is something else I could never normally do especially in winter.

I can’t quite believe it to be honest this is the busiest January I have had in seven years. I truly believe it is all down to God, He gives me the strength to keep going and He is guiding me all the way in my recovery.

I hope you all had a wonderful January too! The beginning of February has turned out to be a bit of a life changing week, but I will blog about that next time. God Bless you!

health · My Faith

Thank you

I just want to thank everyone who took the time to connect with me after my last post. So many of you reached out to me with love and kindness and I thank God for you all.

Many times I have shared very private things on my blog and I know some people struggle to understand why. The internet is full of people who are bitter and angry and want to pull people down, I know this. The day after I posted the last post I went online and saw so many nasty comments to people that it literally hurt to read. The thing is though, this illness has meant I have had some very lonely times. Being housebound a lot of the time is hard and lonely and makes you feel like the world is carrying on without a care for you.

Behind every keyboard is a human just wanting to be heard, to connect and to feel like their life matters in some way and has some use. Even the nasty ones. We all have our struggles and pain and  I write these things to let anyone else suffering know they aren’t alone. That someone cares and someone understands. Even though I still miss some human interaction I don’t feel alone or useless anymore.

I have never in my whole life felt like I fit in, I have always been someone who is quiet (unless you are super close to me) reserved, sensitive, introverted and this has made me a target for many bullies and controlling people throughout my life. I have always struggled with feelings of inadequacy and feeling useless to the world, something that being ill makes a lot worse. But the Lord has given me a purpose and  he loves me regardless of how the world sees me. I know that now. And I don’t have to let other peoples anger make me bitter or be scared anymore of the bullies. When someone lashes out, it is never, ever about the person it is aimed at, always the person it has come from.

So, thank you again for listening, hearing me and letting me know that to some people at least my story matters 🙂

I was going to share some makes I have done recently, but I think I will leave it there for now. I just wanted you to know you are appreciated.

Much love to you all and God bless

 A bruised reed He will not break,
And smoking flax He will not quench –

Matthew 12:20