Tag: My faith

Lessons from Motherhood · My Faith · Scripture

Burdens

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Matthew 11:18-30The other day I was out walking with my Mum with little S in the pram. We walked through the woods and little S had a toddle, he became very tired though so I lifted him and put him in the pram, he was asleep within minutes. On the way back we came to some steps. I turned around and started to pull him up them. My Mum offered to help but I was weary as she isn’t used to the weight. I’m used to my little boys weight I carry Him everyday and He still can sometimes get too heavy for me. But it’s a shock to anyone who isn’t used to his weight to try and lift him so I don’t always say yes unless I really need to.

I wanted to share this because there is someone who carries my weight daily and the weight of all those who know Him, that is our Lord and Saviour Jesus. Unlike me with little S He will never grow tired, He will never need to put me down or grow weary of my weight and my burdens. No one else is used to my weight, no one else knows everything little thing that weighs me down, no one else can take it all, only Him.

We spend so much time and energy looking for people to help us, we place a lot of pressure on people, doctors, nurses, police officers, friends, family members and we grow frustrated and upset when they can’t help or live up to the expectations we have placed on them. I know, I’ve been there, I’ve burdened those I love heavily and I am now sorry for it. They aren’t used to my weight, they don’t carry me everyday like my Lord does, they are just human and its not fair to place so much on them.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t share our pain with others or ask for help from professionals, we should but we should also be aware that God is the only one who can truly help and those who have helped me the most have prayed with me when I can’t, helped me to turn to Him in difficult times and reminded me of what the Bible says about Him. He is the one I trust when I go to see a doctor or a professional, I take their advice because I pray about it first.

And that is how we should deal with our weight, take it to Jesus, give it to him, tell him everything and ask him to lift it from you. And He will.

My Faith

I called out to my Lord

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I just want to thank those who have shown me kindness for my last post, I was in two minds whether or not to share these feelings but I do believe in order to be honest about what God is doing we need to share those things that aren’t very nice, the things that He is working on.

I said I was going to pop over and keep sharing Gods goodness to me and something happened yesterday that definitely shows His love and care.

I woke up feeling unwell and very tired, I was shaky and struggling to get up, I had a couple of nasty vertigo attacks which frightened me. They are a little more scary now I am pregnant and I worry I will hurt my baby by falling or walking into something. I knew I needed to get up to eat so I prayed and I kept praying I asked God for help, I knew there was no one else I could call on and as I walked down the stairs I kept praying, just as I got to the bottom there was a knock on the door. My Mum stood there on the doorstep in the pouring rain and I wept. She came and sat with me and we prayed together then she did a little housework for me while I had quiet time and then shared with her. She said that she came that day as she was in town but as she walked up the road she said to the Lord, I have a feeling I am meant to be here today. She doesn’t normally come to my home when she is in town as it’s a bit of a walk.

As I read my bible yesterday I got to the part where Jesus walked on the sea and got into the boat with the disciples. In that verse it states that they willing received Him and I saw that Jesus is always there nothing can storm Him from coming to our aid, we just need to ask for help and receive.

16And when even was now come, his disciples went down unto the sea, 17And entered into a ship, and went over the sea toward Capernaum. And it was now dark, and Jesus was not come to them. 18And the sea arose by reason of a great wind that blew. 19So when they had rowed about five and twenty or thirty furlongs, they see Jesus walking on the sea, and drawing nigh unto the ship: and they were afraid. 20But he saith unto them, It is I; be not afraid. 21Then they willingly received him into the ship: and immediately the ship was at the land whither they went.

John 6:16-17

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Gratitude journal

Gratitude journal: Forgiven

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Last night as I sat down to do this page I thought about the biggest thing I have to be grateful for. The Lords sacrifice. This is what brings the peace, the joy, this is what reminds us who we are in Him, this is the reason why we sing and praise Him. When we think about The Lord, who He is and what He has done you cannot help but thank Him.

He lowered Himself and stepped out of eternity to become a man, He felt pain, He felt tired and He felt hunger. He was completely sinless. He kept the Jewish law (Gods law) fully.  He knew what was going to happen yet He still went ahead and allowed them to take Him. Those judging Him found no fault in Him but due to a tradition they were compelled to do as asked and let go a convicted murderer and kill The Lord Jesus in his place. He was beaten, He was mocked, He had to carry His cross to Calvary. We all know this story, (well I think most of us do) But it’s when we understand one important thing that we then turn to Him and humble ourselves before Him and thank him.

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While on that cross Jesus took on the guilt of every single sin of the world, everything that man has ever done in the future and in the past. Everything. He who is perfect took on the guilt of the world. Why? He loves us.  So that is why we rejoice because we feel that love and we know we are undeserving of it as He knows everything in our hearts yet He loves us and died for us anyway. And we rejoice because He didn’t leave us, He was risen again as He promised and now He will be with anyone who turns to Him and when we accept this gift and turn to Him we are justified in the eyes of God The Father. There is nothing we can do to earn this gift of salvation, it is all pure grace.

So, yesterday I thought about this and reminded myself of the best reason I have to be grateful to God. There is nothing I can do to express that gratitude and it is a debt I will never be able to repay. And one I am very very grateful for.

Romans 3:24 (KJV):  Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus

 

Gratitude journal

Gratitude Journal

Hannah2 Comments

???????????????????????????????I thought I would pop by again with my thoughts on my first day of documenting my thankfulness to The Lord.

This was actually done yesterday and I was hoping to get the page finished today however I woke up today not feeling too great, I am very tired and I was very tempted to just not bother blogging but I realised it’s days like today that this is all the more important. I may feel ill and be struggling with anxiety but I still have a lot to be grateful for.

So yesterday while working on this page I was thinking about all the physical things I have in my life that I am grateful for. My family, my home, my bed, the fact that I have a husband who takes really good care of me, the fact we have food to eat. All these things I have and there are many people out there who would wish they had them. So why be grateful to God? Because it says in His word:

1 Chronicles 29:11 (King James Version (KJV)):
11 Thine, O Lord is the greatness, and the power, and the glory, and the victory, and the majesty: for all that is in the heaven and in the earth is thine; thine is the kingdom, O Lord, and thou art exalted as head above all.

Everything I have has been given to me by Him, He owns it all, He created it all. Nothing I can do can earn anything from Him and it has nothing to do with who I am or what kind of a person I am. Its all down to His goodness and mercy. Why He chooses to give some things to some people and not to others I do not know. I cannot see into anyone elses heart or lives like He can so I don’t know what He has given others, none of us do. I try not to take things on face value (which isn’t easy) as we never actually know.

???????????????????????????????All I know is what He has done for me and given me and I find myself taking for granted these things. So I am thanking Him and giving Him the glory for my being alive, for having the people I do in my life and for my home, my bed, the food I have to eat, my cats, my clothes as I have not done anything to deserve any of it. Thank you Lord.

God Bless

My Faith

Trials

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It feels like it been a long time since I posted something here, and it actually wasn’t. Its just a lot has happened.

Things are continuing to improve and I am still getting out more, I have managed some walks into town alone (wow) and have been out shopping with family a couple of times too. I am still seeing more of my family, we had a lovely bonfire night celebration at my sisters new home.

We are still continuing to do home improvements and are starting our living room at the moment. The garden is all packed up and hubby has a couple of pumpkins that he is very excited about trying.

However I am not sure if that’s all that I should be focusing on anymore. It is so wonderful to share how the Lord has been helping me in practical ways and I do love to share (and still will!) but it’s what happens in my heart that is more important.

The past month I have been fighting tiredness, fatigue and confusion again, I am not very motivated and I have been feeling a little down as I haven’t been able to do as much as I was and I haven’t done much at all in the way of creativity, there are reasons for this that I am not ready to share just yet. But I do really want to battle this though and the only way to do so is by immersing myself in Gods word, worshiping Him and thanking Him for the blessings He gives me. That is why I have come here as doing things like this online helps to motivate me and encourages me to be a little more disciplined. I have to say though this is nothing compared to what I have been though before and some of the reasons I am going through this are good ones. I know this will pass and I just want to use it as an opportunity to grow closer to Jesus and I haven’t been doing that. I am hoping blogging about it will help me.

I ended up having to move my blog, it looks a little different now, I simplified it so I can just concentrate on getting through this down time and, hopefully I can share how knowing the Lords helps this. Just because I have become a Christian doesn’t mean that bad feelings go or illness or pain yes, He does take these things away for some people, but I don’t know of any instance where He takes it all away. I have a few theories why, but who am I to know or question this? However if you wish people to come to you because they want to know and love you, giving everyone what they want isn’t really going to achieve that. Plus, how do we grow and change if we don’t go through trials? How do we get stronger in Him, how do we learn to care about others if we don’t understand what it feels to hurt? And the wonderful thing about knowing the Lord is He carries out burdens when they are too great so we don’t burn out and we can come out stronger for it, leaning in His strength.

I know that if I have the right attitude about this I will come out with a stronger faith and a closer walk with Him. I have to admit my attitude hasn’t been great so far but everyday is a new day.

So, one thing is, I am going to start a gratitude journal again, I am ashamed to admit I have fallen into some old thought habits and have been a little self piteous. There are so many people suffering so much more than I ever have and have a better attitude than me and I have a great many things to be grateful for.  I shall share them here as I go along.

God bless

 

Month in review · My Faith

August

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I am a little late with my overview of August. It has been a very busy time and so I am now very tired. However I am finding I am recovering so much quicker than I used to.

A few more milestones were reached in August though that I wanted to share…

This month I reached a huge milestone.. and that was I actually ate a meal out! I went to my in-laws for dinner, for the first time in 6 years and a week later I went to MacDonalds. I am actually not a fan of MacDonalds truth be told but it was the only place we could think of where I could try to sit down in a public place and eat where it would be quick and I could leave and not worry about leaving the food behind and wasting money. I haven’t eaten a meal out with husband since 2007. It was hard, I will admit. Even though I am slowly getting better, I really believe that, I am left with anxiety and agoraphobia. I am not surprised by this given how long I was isolated. But, with the Lords constant help I am getting out more. I really couldn’t do it without Him.

I have been spending some time at my sisters new house as she and her husband are refurbishing. It has been pretty amazing as it wasn’t that long ago my Mum moved and I couldn’t even go and visit her new house as I felt so unwell let alone help with the jobs of moving. They actually bought me the hatch to the loft to clean just because I felt so bad that I couldn’t help. And this past month I have been helping strip and prepare walls for painting, doing tip runs with hubby and generally trying to provide support to both my sister and her husband as it is a very stressful time.

We celebrated a birthday this month, my nephew turned 5! Usually I know we would say it went by quick but considering what has happened in that time and the fact that my life used to go by painstakingly slowly I have to admit I don’t feel that way 😉 It is wonderful to be able to spend time with him on his birthday though, before I would spend a maximum of 20 minutes there and be so poorly afterwards it would take a long time to recover. I was there 3 hours and even played pass the parcel.

I am still continuing to go into shops and that is going from strength to strength I have been wallpaper shopping with my sister and I have done a couple of weekly shops with husband, which, to be honest I am still struggling to believe.

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 Our lovely new heart, above our bed, a pressie from Little sis and her hubby.

We decorated our bedroom, we have lived here for 7 years and never decorated our bedroom, for many years it was left in darkness for somewhere for me to go when my symptoms became unbearable. Now as I sit here typing the curtains are open, the windows are open and it is clean and looking nice again.

I have still been doing a little exercise and have actually been out a couple of times for a jog! I never even did that when I was well! Starting off very small but even small was too big for me at one time.

I am still working hard to get my uni work done and a few more jobs in the garden have happened. Plus I am trying to do more around the house and lift husbands burdens he has been carrying for so many years. I am finding I am having to stop for periods at a time as I am getting very tired. I am still sleeping a fair amount during the day especially the mornings. It is a long process but one I feel more and more confident about each day.

Doing normals things is such a wonderful privilege denied to so many, I am finding that being able to do things such as house work, paint a room, go for a walk, go shopping, all things that used to seem like such chores and like there were better things to do now are such a wonderful things to me. Everything I do I do for the Lord. He sustains me, He renews me, He builds me up and He comforts me. When I get tired I know I can spend time in His word and talk to Him and He will guide my steps and reveal Himself to me He will speak to me and answer my prayers, relive my worries, and comfort my soul.

I look back to that day when I called out to Him, I was the lowest I had ever been, I felt I had no one to turn to, no one to help me out of the constant anxiety, dizziness, confusion, fatigue, pain, every muscle in my body was so tense and I had forgotten how to relax. Everything moved constantly and had for so long I didn’t know what it felt like to feel normal, to have normal feelings that weren’t extreme and unpleasant. I couldn’t remember what it felt like to relax. But now as I look back I am struggling to remember how it felt to be that unwell. All I remember is that, when I finally turned to Him I was helped though it by my wonderful savior. How he sits with me when I am scared, how He comes to me when I need Him. And how even though I came to him with selfish intent, wanting to be healed He still saved me and took me a better way, a way that brought me to know Him, an understanding of who He is and that all He wants is me to love Him, nothing more. He could’ve have just healed me then and there, I know he could but instead He has strengthened me, He has taken me down difficult paths and with His help He has taught me what it means to be a follower of Him and I am so glad He did this. By revealing Himself to me He has revealed myself to me also, I learned who I was and I didn’t like it.

I reached out my hand

 

Everyone has problems in this life, no one is exempt from pain, grief or worries. It is only by leaning in Him we come to realise that He is the only way to get though these times. And that His only priority is that we have a relationship with Him, forever. So He will use those times to teach us to trust in Him and His strength, He will use our pain to heal us and to change us. And, ultimately we realise it is not, nor ever was about us, its about Him. It was or never is about what He can do for us, but about what He has already done. That is when we come to a place of true healing. He didn’t have to create us, He didn’t have to give us this life, He didn’t have to come down and sacrifice His own life to get us out of the mess we had got ourselves into. He choose to do these things because of who HE is, not of who we are. Forgiveness is there we just need to accept it and receive the true healing of the soul.

My Faith

Family

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I shared a few posts ago now that I have been spending more time with my family. After my breakdown in 2010 I cut myself off from my family, I did see them but it wasn’t often. Whenever there was an organised event or birthday, I would get very anxious as being around people made me feel so unwell, the stimulus was too much. I found it hard to see and talk to anyone even my husband who had to come in from work so quietly as he knew that just that change would make me feel poorly. This depressed me deeply, I remember one family member going into hospital and I couldnt do anything to help, we nearly lost him and all I could do was sit in my living room waiting to hear any news. I felt like I had let everyone down and they were better off not being burdened by me.

When my mental health went downhill again in 2013 I reached out to my family, my Mum started to visit me on a Wednesday afternoon and chat to me via google hangouts as well. I became afraid to be alone and my family stepped up visiting me and checking in on me. I can’t actually list the amount of times I see and talk to my family now as it is so often. In the beginning of this year I even had my younger sister and her husband over for dinner and my older sister and her family. Seeing her boys is such a joy, I was so worried I would miss out on them growing up. The relationship with my Mum has grown so much in The Lord, when I was born again it was like I saw her for the first time, as I now understand that Jesus is with her.

About a month ago I went to see my 4 yr old nephew at his gymnastics class, it was a amazing. I had such an wonderful day, I went charity shopping with my sister and we spent the afternoon and evening laughing like old times.

A couple of months ago we had a surprise tea party for my Mum and we have had one each month since, yesterday it was at my older sisters and we had my 3 year old nephew as a guest, he got a grown up plate with cake which pleased him greatly and me and his Mama had fun blowing bubbles outside while he showed us how you catch them.

As I look back I now I realise how I allowed my illness to ruin so many relationships, I became bitter, jealous and resentful. I believed that everyone was thinking I was weak and pathetic and not trying hard enough. I thought everyone thought I was lying and making out my illness was worse than it was. It effected every relationship I had, especially my marriage.

Now things are very different. When I see my family and my husband I see what the Lord sees. I look forward to spending time with them. His love is so vast and He wants us all to love each other how He loves us. But first we have to know Him as on our own that is impossible. His love is pure and immeasurable. When we try to fit it into our own understanding we can’t understand it as its from a small and human perspective which is why we need to know Him. I mean really know Him, giving your life to Him, walking with Him daily. Turning our hearts to Him and putting Him first in everything. Going to Church each week and thinking that makes you a good person without giving your heart and life to Jesus doesn’t produce that love.

I want to share something… When I was a little girl I looked forward each week to seeing my Mama and Papa. Eveyone I knew that met them always said they felt drawn to them that there was something about them. And I felt it too, when I was with them I felt so comfortable they didnt make me feel silly for anything I said or did, they were so gentle, so gracious and kind and you knew it was real. My Papa had such a gentle and kind voice and when he talked everyone was quiet. He was very wise and I never saw him rise to provocation, he met hostility with grace and kindness. The same was for my Mama who had a beautiful singing voice that always quietened the room, they loved each other so deeply that you saw it every time they looked at one another. She would play the piano for us each week and we would all sing together. I loved them very much. When I was ill I used to console myself by reminding myself that they loved me, these kind and wonderful people loved me… I didn’t understand it because I knew next to them I was not a good person.

When I gave my life to Jesus and started to get to know Him I realised something. The love I felt wasnt just my grandparents. It was Jesus. He loved me and had done from the day I was conceived. He was gently calling me to Him. All those years ago. Next to Him I am not just a not good person for he is perfect but He loves me. And He loves my family He wants me to enjoy being with them and show them His Love. Through me He wants to show his grace and His love for everyone. I pray I can be as open and receptive to that as my Mama and Papa. I am very far from that right now. I hope that through me the Lord can reach other people who felt like I did, lost, afraid, alone and scared and so He can say to them, its ok, I love you. Come home.

This Journal page was inspired by a video I saw of my Mum and the home league group she attends at the salvation army, I felt truly blessed by it 🙂 My Mum is the one on the far right.

 

God Bless x

healing · My Faith

July

Hannah2 Comments

July has been a very busy month, I have been trying to finish my drawing module (only a little more to do now) and also still playing catch up with textiles since my surgery. This has mainly been what I have been doing (as well as journaling) however some other things happened also:

I had a bit of a set back as I tried to take a bus into town which turned out harder than expected, however, I did it and I know that I just need to try smaller journeys when I am ready to try again. There have been some wonderful things happen this month however that I never used to be able to to do.

Been to a lot of shops, I only had to stay in the car a couple of times, I am still just doing small shops but I am spending longer and longer out which is wonderful. I shared this story on my facebook yesterday which explains why this is such a huge thing for us.

I drew outside, I have never done this before! I have recently managed more drawing in the garden but this was actually outside near the woods at the bottom of my street.

I have been trying to get a bit fitter, I started doing some regular low grade exercise.

I have still been visiting family, we have had 2 birthdays and I have been going to my sisters for dog sitting duties. Plus we had another cream tea afternoon.

I have started learning to play the keyboard, I am not sure where this is going but I am having fun.

I went for a walk last week and I ended up being faced with a huge hill that I hadn’t climbed in many years. I shared about it on instagram. The photo is the beginning of the hill, it has three sections, each one steeper than the last. I actually ending up taking a wrong turn because I was trying to avoid a dog running around, if that hadn’t had happened I never would’ve gone to this hill myself. However, The Lord knew I was ready 🙂

Hubby had a long weekend off last weekend and we invited the family round for a BBQ, this was such a blessing, so relaxing sitting in the sunshine, this time last year I couldn’t even spend 10 mins in my garden without needing to go back in. You can read all about here on my Mums blog 🙂

So lots of new things this month! At the beginning of the month I was feeling a little dejected after trying the bus ride and if that had happened before I became a Christian it would’ve completly set me back but The Lord renewed my spirit, I will talk about this in the next post I think but for now, lots of things from this month to Praise my Lord for!

God Bless x

 

 

My Faith

Help for weary hearts

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I have it on my heart to share this.

Last week I started to feel tired, I have been doing a lot more and from years of inactivity my body has lost muscle mass and my joints and bones have weakened so I get tired easily. But, more importantly not only did I feel tired in my body I felt tired in my spirit.

I dont know why but I thought there was something wrong with me. Everywhere I looked I saw people being horrible to each other, I saw people acting in a way that made me feel uncomfortable, a few other things happened and I started to question everyone I saw and spoke to (mainly online as I still dont get to talk to many people in the flesh, so to speak.) I became distrustful, then I started to question myself. It was a very quick snowball effect that eventually had me wondering if I was truly saved.

I broke down one night and when I came to pray I didnt know what to say, I found I couldnt pray I just didnt know how to express what was happening with me.

Then, to try and take my mind of of things I looked at my blog reader, I had a lot of blogs to catch up on and this came into my feed.

Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.”
Hebrews 12:3

Then this blog post, telling me to look to Jesus and not to the world, to focus on His life and what He went through.

I knew the Lord was telling me what to do, so I am doing it and even though I still feel very physically tired I know that I am safe, that I am loved and that I am saved and my spirit grows stronger as I grow closer to Jesus.

I thought that I was the only one who felt this way. But I realised that there would be no need for the Lord to say these words in scripture if no one else went though this.

So I just want to say to anyone who is feeling dragged down by the world, by the nastyness, by how we treat each other and by the people who claim to follow Jesus then say things about Him that are so wrong and hurtful it hurts your spirit to hear it. Look to Him, seek Him, learn about Him and all those things will fade away.

 

My Faith

Shops

Hannah4 Comments

Its been nearly 3 weeks since my surgery, I am healing very well and I was very happy to be able to get back to going out more quite soon afterwards.

When I became ill going into shops became harder and harder and as my illness went on, it eventually got so difficult I stopped altogether. The noise, the lighting, the people were all too much stimulation and made my dizziness/movement and head pressure too bad to deal with. If I did manage to force myself it would take days sometimes weeks for my symtoms to go back down to the baseline.

But since giving my life to Jesus things are changing, some of it been so slow that I hardly noticed it and then one day several weeks ago I asked if we could go to the shops. I started out by going into quiet supermarkets for a few minutes and build up from there. We try not to make a big deal out of it and make it as normal as possible just going to places where and when we actually need something.  And if I find myself becoming overwhelmed when I go in, I stand still and I pray and the Lord helps me. I am still very much at the beginning of this but I am feeling very encouraged by how it has been going.

As I look back I see so many things changing in my life and so many things happening. Some have been so subtle I haven’t even noticed until it has happened and so much has happened without even me trying, that’s the power of God’s grace for us.

Something that I am finding is I can do more and my symptoms don’t get as bad as they did before. Its hard to explain. I am finding I recover quicker from things where as before I would be ill for so long that doing it again just filled me with dread.

Trying on the wares, thats what you do, right?

Also last year I did try to go to shops and it didn’t work as well, I was still very ill and one of the lessons I am learning from this is that I have to be patient as the Lord’s timing is always perfect. Even if we do something that seems right, even something like going to Church and the Lord isn’t ready for us to do it, we shouldnt be discouraged if it doesnt turn out how we expected and just wait for the Lords will for us. Its a hard lesson I have to admit but when I think how I tried to force it before I was ready and before God wanted me to compared to how I am now having waited I know it is a lot better to just trust and know that God doesn’t change things for us until we change for Him.

We have a great sweetie shop on our little town 🙂

So May was a month of getting into shops more plus facing big issues with my health.  April and March was doing the garden (which is still a working progress but we have a lot of lovely things growing in our garden now, I will share very soon), finding new places to walk out with hubby plus facing fears with scans etc. Also thoughout this year I have been going to see my family more and more. I think I will share that in another post though.

I wonder what June will hold? 🙂 One thing is for sure God has gone before me and will be there no matter what!

God bless x