My Faith

Just wanted to share

Today I want to share something..

A few months back I was watching a video on youtube of someone sharing their testimony, at the end she said she wanted to sing but it had run over too much. However she shared how she had listened to a song called Make You Feel My Love (the version sung by Adele) not long back and she pointed to the camera and said ‘Jesus told me this song is for you’.

I thought nothing of it to be honest.

2 Days later I am in the hospital, I am sat in the waiting room feeling scared and shaking and a song came on the radio, it was that song. As tears were falling down my cheeks I looked up and looked around at all the people in the waiting room and felt such compassion for them all, I wondered if they were as scared as me and if they could hear Gods message, I felt so blessed that I had the Lord to lean on. I calmed down and stopped shaking.

This Christmas my sister created an album of songs and gave each of us a CD as a gift. Today I listened to it and there was that same song……..

Gods messages are everywhere, listen, He is talking to us all.

He loves us so much and He has and will do anything for us to feel it, we just have to listen.

God Bless

N.B – Just want to say a big thank you to my little sister for the lovely and thoughtful gift, I love being part of a family who shares their gifts with each other xxx Such a blessing!

My Faith · vertigo

Letting go

So, in light of me talking about how I am going to trust God and not make any plans or resolutions etc this year this is what has happened in the first week of 2014.

First off, I have taken down all of my old blog posts from before I became a Christian. The posts spanned back all the way to August 2008 which is when I began blogging and so much has changed. Because I changed significantly when I became a Christian in May 2013 and my blog has reflected those changes so I feel it is time to take down the old and focus on my life as it is right now. So many wonderful things have happened to me and even though it is nice to look back sometimes, that old lost and frightened person is gone and has been replaced with a person with hope, peace and joy. 

I have no idea how or what I will be sharing on my blog as I don’t know what is going to happen. I will just continue to take each day as it comes and share as I go along 🙂

The next thing that has happened is that I finally finished my drawing module for Uni. I started a degree via distance learning 2 years ago and it has been a challenge to say the least.

Before I started I talked to the disability support about my illness and not being able to draw outside or move very much and we talked about ways I could work around it. However after a few months I found that it wasn’t going to be that easy. I really struggled to communicate to my tutor my limitations and I found myself getting upset as I  had to face over and over again the things I really wanted to do but couldn’t such as go to galleries etc

I found that drawing large and for a long time made me quite ill and was told that drawing from photos wasn’t ideal but I couldn’t think of any other way of drawing a landscape from my sofa.

I got to the point where the thought of doing the work brought me to tears, I would sit with my pencil and paper sobbing as I couldn’t bring myself to do the work. I felt isolated, misunderstood and like I was letting my illness win. I suffer from confusion and would get very frustrated as I struggled to understand some of the principles of drawing I was asked to learn, I would get angry and upset about it.

So I took a 6 month break, little did I know in that time I would a) get very very ill again and b) find solace and comfort in the Lord Jesus. So when I returned I had a new attitude to the work, all the previous issues where still there but I now had the help and strength of God to help me. Without that I know I would never have finished and would have given up.

So now I am looking forward to starting the next module, this time I have made sure I have communicated fully what my limitations are and was able to have a skype meet (something not available when I first started) and my new tutor was incredibly understanding (much like the new drs I have found recently too! ;))

So here is to letting go! To moving on without bitterness (as it really was down to my own issues and wanting to bury my head in the sand regarding my illness) and starting anew.

Maybe now I will feel like I can share more of this journey? Only God knows! 🙂

God Bless!

 

christmas · My Faith · Scripture

The best gift of all

Christmas was, as it always is, a quiet one for us. I was again very spoiled with thoughtful gifts but this year I already felt so very blessed as I already had the best gift of all.

Christmas felt very different for me this year, I found I wasn’t as interested in the frivolities of it, I still enjoyed getting a tree and decorating it, I still liked buying and making gifts for those I love. It just wasn’t as important to me as the deep joy and peace I have now at knowing Jesus personally.  I was actually pretty ill over Christmas this year and found myself anxious but, instead of it carrying on for months the feelings passed after a few days and I am enjoying having an extended break with hubby.

And now it is nearly 2014. We have never been bothered about celebrating New Year or making resolutions. I have in the past picked a word for the year and last year I attempted to start a photo a day project and get more organised but, well, life changes all the time, we never know what is going to happen so I am doing nothing like that. I am just going to try to take each moment as it comes and trust God that whatever happens He will bring me through.

I have no idea what 2014 is going to bring but I am sure it will bring new challenges, problems and illnesses because that’s life. When I look back at 2013 to a year that on face value was one of the hardest I have ever had I know it will be ok, because I was ok. I am ok. 🙂 In 2013 I had more doctors and hospital visits than I have ever had, my physical illness and my anxiety got so bad that I came close to giving up. But as the year went on  I found myself facing more, doing more and I have made huge strides in finding the answers to my symptoms and letting things go. I know there is still more to come but God has bought me this far and I know He will not let me go. He shows me this everyday. With His help I have broken bad habits, forgiven those I never thought I could forgive, I see my family more and I worry less, I feel less stressed and have had some of the best nights sleep I have ever had 🙂

I don’t actually think New Year has to be significant if we don’t want it to be, everyday brings new possibilities and the chance to try again. Its just a date on the calendar. I don’t know whats going to happen this year, next month, next week or even in the next five minutes all I know is my Lord will never leave me nor forsake me. (Hebrews 13:5)

 

Thank you again to everyone who is sharing this journey with me, I pray you have a safe and blessed new year, however you celebrate.

 

God bless

 

healing · My Faith · NHS

What a week!

This post was written at the beginning of last week about the week before but I felt led to write something else instead. I still want to share what happened to me that week though so I am publishing it now 🙂 (last week was much harder due to the mega Sunday migraine but I did have one nice afternoon making lip scrubs with my sister which I am hoping to share soon)

 

Well last week was the busiest week I have had in I reckon about 4 years. So much happened it was a little overwhelming. So this weekend my body forced me to rest as the dizziness kicked in full force on Saturday but it’s OK, I feel so very blessed that I was given the strength to do so much last week.

On Tuesday I had a scan, now, a year ago I refused to even go to the GPs when I was so ill I was spitting up blood and now I am going for scans! I can’t quite believe it, I have waited a very long time to find out what the lump is on my head and prayers would be much appreciated x It was hard, I won’t lie, especially after I was too ill to do the MRI in May so I leaned very hard on the Lord for help and not only did he help me to do the scan I went into Aldi a few hours later and picked out myself some wellies!! So grateful! I live very near to some woods which get very muddy in the winter and usually I just don’t venture out much in winter as I tend to be a lot worse but this year I felt that I will need something for my feet 🙂

Wednesday I had a little visit from my 2 yr old nephew who had picked me out a plant in the shop, bless his heart.

Then Thursday I had a great post day! A letter from an online friend and the Crafty Creatives Christmas box! Hubby bought it me as we haven’t been able to afford much in the way of craftyness supplies this year, which I am ok with, I have plenty but I am still very grateful for this awesome gift. I will be back with what I have done with it very soon 🙂

I also took my box to my Mums and made the decoration in the photo, I was there for a couple of hours which is just well, pretty amazing, I think I might have pushed myself a bit too far with that one but I recovered fairly quick from feeling ill from it and back to the baseline of symptoms so I am really pleased.

Friday was another Dr day and I also managed to pop onto a little Tescos to pick a magazine and go back out again. I also spent most of the day popping in and out of the online auction room and wow it was so exciting! They did about 27 hours I think and made 57 grand for charity how amazing is that? They didn’t get round to selling my blanket they had a lot of lots left over, but I was still a little emotional when I heard how well they did. My blanket is now on silent auction which is running until the 13th of December link is here should you wish to check it out.

So that was my week! The weekend was spent resting resting and resting some more as a huge migraine hit me and forced me into bed for most of Sunday and Saturday was dizzy city but to be honest I feel so blessed and so grateful to have done everything I did last week that I didn’t mind resting and if I have to rest this week too, well so be it. (Turns out that is exactly what happened ;))

Wish you all an awesome week! I will try to come back with some crafty news soon as I don’t want to keep boring you with my life updates I am just so excited as these things happen and I spend such a large amount of time indoors unable to get off the sofa without  my symptoms getting a lot worse that I just feel the need to document when the Lord does something awesome for me! 🙂

 

God Bless you all

 

 

My Faith

Alone

All weekend I have been writing a post about last week as I wanted to share with you what wonderful things happened to me that week, I will post that but today I feel led to share something else.

I spend a lot of time alone, before I was saved I felt very lonely, I would cry most days as I felt totally rejected and useless by the worlds standards. After a few years I started to get scared of being alone, I began to worry about something happening to me and no one knowing or caring. I relied heavily on people to be there for me and when they started to move away I  panicked I felt like no one cared and the world had totally rejected me. Everyone seemed busy and burdened by their own cares. I started to get thoughts that there was only one way out….then God stepped in.

Things have improved a lot since then but I still find myself slipping into old ways, when I feeling supported by people I feel better but then something will happen someone will be busy or decide that the method of communication is too much for them and the old feelings of rejection start to creep in. These feelings have come back to me a few times recently. Last night I read my Bible and felt lost like it wasn’t going in, so I stopped reading I started to doubt and feel afraid. Then today I was writing in my journal and a snippet of what I read yesterday came back to me, so I re-read the psalm that I stopped reading last night. And I read this:

It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man. – Psalm 118: 8 (KJV)

I didn’t get to that bit, I felt too let down by people and like I didn’t matter, I allowed my old feelings to get to me but the LORD was trying to tell me something. Thankfully He doesn’t give up, He will keep telling you until it sinks in.

Being lonely is scary, relying on people is frightening, when you are vulnerable and need people you feel more vulnerable and when those people start to move away you feel like you are too much of a burden, I have even had people tell me I am too much of an effort for them, family members who felt I was being selfish because I was so ill I couldn’t get to them. So I would sit here hoping someone would notice how lonely I was how scared I was and someone did, someone who knew all along. Someone who’s love I deserve the least but loves me more than anyone can.

We live in a society where people are expected to deal with their own issues, neighbors who don’t know each other and people who need help more than others are being told they are too much of a hassle for society to deal with. We are only human we can’t take on the cares of everyone we all have our own pain and issues. Don’t get me wrong there are people who go to the ends of the earth to care for people I know there are and I have had a lot of support from people which I am very grateful for. It isn’t always a personal thing, though it may feel that way. We try our best to be there but sometimes we just can’t do it all the time. But God can and he understands our limitations.

I wanted to share this with you I because I wanted to let you all know you are not alone, you are never alone.  Even though we may forget it sometimes.

Note: just to say when King David wrote that Psalm he wasn’t talking about not feeling supported because of an illness, far from it. My situation is very far from his 😉 I am not a preacher nor a teacher, I am very new to the faith and there are are better people out there than me who can explain the context scripture. But I do know that the Lord was using his word to comfort and reassure me that he is here and he will not let me down.

Gratitude · healing · MAV · migraine associated vertigo · My Faith · Uncategorized · vertigo

Focusing on the good

This week I have been nursing a migraine and feeling a bit blergh.

So I thought I’d write a post on what we did when hubby was off for a couple of days last week. I think its helps to remind myself of the good things that happen.

On Thursday we went to my Mums for bonfire night, my eyes can’t really deal with the contrast of light outside at night so I went indoors to eat and chill. I actually felt pretty relaxed which is new and when hubby told me I had been out for 2 hours I couldn’t believe it! I almost felt normal! So amazing!

The Friday we had an awesome day, it started out with a huge cheesecake being delivered to my door, sent from my best mate.

Then, that afternoon we went for a drive, hubby mentioned he needed to pop into town and drop me off first, I felt led to offer to join him he was a little shocked to say the least (believe me it was a surprise to me too!) So he pulled up and I walked down the street to the shop with him, bought myself a poppy (something I used to do every year before I became ill) and we walked back.

 

While I was walking back, tears were streaming down my face, I couldn’t believe how wonderful everything was, I kept stopping to look into shop windows and dragging hubby across the road to look at stuff, it was pretty amazing. I wont lie, it was really hard at first because the traffic was so loud but it really did bring home to me how much I appreciate being out as I don’t get to do it much. The world is a beautiful place!

When we got back the power was out in the street, I was a little worried at first but I soon calmed down and we put some candles on and just chilled out together, it was  almost a shame when it came back on (after a couple of hours) and then we had this for tea:

Fair food! I got upset the week before as, once again, I was too ill to go the fair, I really really miss going, so hubby bought it to me. He even made me a cuppa in polystyrene cup!

So that was hubbies time off, we had a pretty good day Sunday too as he went apple picking and I got to finally meet the in-laws puppy.

I have to say looking back over the last 6 months,  I can’t quite believe how much has happened. I have managed to do more in the past few months than I have managed in years, I see my family regularly and I have even managed to cook for myself a few times! I am seeing more Drs (I developed a huge fear of them after everything that happened) I have grown some food, been into a few shops. I can’t quite believe it. I have no idea what is going to happen but I do know since I decided to let God take over things have markedly improved. I used to feel so useless to the world but I know I am anything but to the Lord. 🙂

God Bless everyone and if you are having a bad time,  I hope you manage to find something good to focus on today.

health · My Faith

Thank you

I just want to thank everyone who took the time to connect with me after my last post. So many of you reached out to me with love and kindness and I thank God for you all.

Many times I have shared very private things on my blog and I know some people struggle to understand why. The internet is full of people who are bitter and angry and want to pull people down, I know this. The day after I posted the last post I went online and saw so many nasty comments to people that it literally hurt to read. The thing is though, this illness has meant I have had some very lonely times. Being housebound a lot of the time is hard and lonely and makes you feel like the world is carrying on without a care for you.

Behind every keyboard is a human just wanting to be heard, to connect and to feel like their life matters in some way and has some use. Even the nasty ones. We all have our struggles and pain and  I write these things to let anyone else suffering know they aren’t alone. That someone cares and someone understands. Even though I still miss some human interaction I don’t feel alone or useless anymore.

I have never in my whole life felt like I fit in, I have always been someone who is quiet (unless you are super close to me) reserved, sensitive, introverted and this has made me a target for many bullies and controlling people throughout my life. I have always struggled with feelings of inadequacy and feeling useless to the world, something that being ill makes a lot worse. But the Lord has given me a purpose and  he loves me regardless of how the world sees me. I know that now. And I don’t have to let other peoples anger make me bitter or be scared anymore of the bullies. When someone lashes out, it is never, ever about the person it is aimed at, always the person it has come from.

So, thank you again for listening, hearing me and letting me know that to some people at least my story matters 🙂

I was going to share some makes I have done recently, but I think I will leave it there for now. I just wanted you to know you are appreciated.

Much love to you all and God bless

 A bruised reed He will not break,
And smoking flax He will not quench –

Matthew 12:20

My Faith

Testimony

I always find it a little difficult to come back to my blog after a bit of a break. I never intend to take a break, it just always happens. I would love to be able to keep up a regular pace but, well, life doesn’t work that way.

I do have to admit though I was unsure if I was going to come back after the last one, but it just feels right to share this now.

I have been blogging now since August 2008 and a lot has happened in that time. I’ve tried to document as much as I could. Not always easy as I know fellow bloggers will agree. Life doesn’t fit neatly into segments ready to blog, we have to pick it apart to try and work out what people would actually care about and what we wish to document (the latter being more important to me as that’s why I started this blog in the first place) I never expected anyone to read it, I made it public in case it helped anyone else with the same illnesses.

As I am sure you will have guessed this year hasn’t been the easiest for me. I got what I call ‘super ill’ again back in April and, well, I gave up. Chronic and mental illness comes in waves, some waves you can stand up against but some come crashing over you and overwhelm you, you end up being pulled out to sea and thrashed about until you are so tired you cant swim back without help. So I gave up 7 years of fighting to just keep treading water came to an end and I let myself sink.

I could go into what happened, the warning signs, the circumstances, the people that hurt me, but whats the point? It happened I can’t change it.

What I am here to share is what happened to me while I was out there in the sea dragging me down. I called out to God. And he answered. No one was more surprised by this than me. Believe me. Of course Christianity is something I’ve known about a long time, some of my family members are Christians. I have always prided myself on being someone who accepted and ‘understood’ all ‘walks of life’ and I thought I knew and understood Christianity, turns out I knew nothing.

What do I mean by answered? I mean just that, He answered. I went from feeling like there was only one way out to feeling at peace in an instant. I didn’t do anything I just asked for help and I got it. And I’m still getting it.

No one talked to me about God, no person put the thought into my head to call out to Him, it was sheer desperation, I didn’t think anything would happen but it did.

I was no longer afraid of being alone, I started to see and talk to my family again. I stopped wishing myself dead. I have found not one but 4 nice doctors and a therapist who have helped me, been kind to me and I have, finally, been able to forgive all those Drs who have hurt me and been unkind. Never in all the time I have been ill seen so many nice doctors. I’ve never seen so many docs in such a short space of time, no one seems to be giving up on me and I still can’t believe it. There is so much more that has happened to me, everyday brings new blessings and a little bit more healing. The Lord has me now, He isn’t just helping me swim back, He’s pulled me up into his boat and is holding me.

I am still dizzy but my treatment seems to be helping, some symptoms have gone altogether and a lot have got better, I finally feel like I am getting somewhere.

Like I said I write this to document my life and this is too big a thing not to document. I am still so very grateful to everyone who reads my blog and has reached out to me and been there for me. I want you to know if you ever move on there are no hard feelings, I will never stop being grateful or caring for anyone I have met online. Some people online have hurt me deeply and I still care for them and worry that they are ok.

I am new at this and I have no idea what is going to happen or what I will be sharing, I am still very much into my art and crafts but I do it for a different reason now. I still believe firmly in living a life of gratitude but I have a reason to do it now, and someone to be grateful to, who I should have been grateful to all along.  I do know one thing for certain though,

I am not scared of my future any more.

 

God Bless