health · My Faith

Surgery

Page done the day after my surgery

So not long after I wrote my last post on going to the hospital I received a phone call from my surgeons receptionist asking if I could go in the next morning for my operation as they had had a cancelation. I am sure you can imagine my reaction. But I still said yes, I knew this was in Gods hands and He was leading this as He had done from the beginning.

It is now a week later and I can say it’s been a life changing week. The surgery was to remove a lump from my temple. I have had a small lump above my eyebrow since childhood but over the past few years it, or I believe it was that I dont know yet, started to grow and change shape. I ignored it at first plus I was so ill I hardly noticed it, I never looked in a mirror I didn’t see the point. Other people noticed it though and family was starting to ask and worry about it.

Before the op

However not long after I gave my life to Jesus in May 2013, I went back to the Drs (which was a shock to everyone as I had decided I would never go back again after the treatment I had had). While there my husband mentioned the lump as I had no intention of doing so and the Dr sent me to hospital. I was sent for an MRI last June but I couldnt do it as I can’t tolarate lieing flat so I thought I was discharged. Months later a letter came though the door asking me to go back. I realised then that The Lord wanted me to get this sorted so I went for an ultrasound and a CT both very hard but the Lord strengthened me each time I went.

They still didn’t know what it was so said the best course of action was surgery to get a proper diagnoses. Hence the phonecall last week.

As I look back I can see the Lords hand in all of this. The CT was a big challenge for me and I felt his presence during that so strongly. Every thing I have had to do He has calmed me and considering I suffer from anxiety I know it’s nothing to do with me. Before my operation I felt so peaceful, I had nerves of course I did but I just knew I was doing something I was supposed to be doing and that He was there and I was safe. I accepted my nerves and saw them for what they were and that feelings can not take me out of my Fathers hands.

The few days after were hard, I didnt take very well to all the meds or anasthetic they gave me and was very sick and couldn’t eat properly for a few days, but once again even though my body was shaking and I was being ill I felt peaceful deep inside. Its hard to explain. I think its something that can only be felt to be understood to be honest. This doesnt mean that I didnt cry and get upset because I did, it was a shock to my system and I was in pain (but not as much as I expected to be honest, Praise the Lord). The Lord continually reminded me of His presence and reassured me of His love, He knows my weakness and He understands. He does for all of us.

– This was taken yesterday after my stitches came out, looking at these pics I can’t believe I didn’t realise how much of a difference it made to me, I wasnt bothered by how I look and I’m still not. This wasn’t done for cosmetic reasons at all but I am surprised by how different I feel in myself now its gone.

I have received so much support and kindness from so many people its been overwhelming, I’ve had messages of’ support and so many people praying for me. I have a lovely friend who has been there for me who has provided emotional and spiritual support, I strongly believe the Lord has bought us both together. And then there’s my husband I can’t even begin with that one, he sat in the hospital for nearly 6 hours just so I didnt have to wait after being discharged, I don’t deserve him. He has looked after me since I became ill and I love him very very much. He encouraged me to keep eating, he worries so much when I can’t. I know he won’t read this I just pray that he knows how much I appreciate him and that I show and tell him enough.

I won’t know any more until the test results are back so I have no idea if this is the end or if there is any more to come. I do have a few things that will take time to get used to, my face looks quite different which I wasnt expecting and I dont know if I will gain movement back in my eyebrow (the surgeon did warn me of this) however I do know The Lord will be there no matter what happens as He doesn’t change. Ever.

I know that as health issues go this isn’t the worst thing that can happen but the Lord is there for us in all our trials, He knows our hearts and strengthens us especially those like me who are a little weaker than others. I don’t mind because I know in my weakness I allow Him to reveal His glory so I am happy to be weak.

 

Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you

But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy.

1 Peter 4:12-13 KJV

(I think this part of scripture is about persecution, but the Lord used it to help me through and I am very grateful to Him for it)

God Bless

My Faith

Hospital

I wrote this two weeks ago and I just logged in to post and saw it I thought I would share it now.

 

I have had a wonderful few days. I had a lovely easter and it was our anniversary too. I got out a lot more than I thought I would I have been going into shops it has been great. I have wanted to pop by and record all this for some time but the downside of doing more is that life gets busier plus and I still need rest. I do enjoy sharing my walk with the Lord though.

I do wish to share something that happened to me today.

Today was a hospital day, the results of the CT scan to be more precise. It turned out to be a fairly stressful event as there was no parking and I was forced to go in alone while hubby carried on looking for a car park with a space. Add to that that they were running late and so my stress levels were fairly high. I sat in the waiting room and cried, I couldn’t stop the tears and got frustrated because of that which made things worse. I was mad at myself as I snapped at hubby about the parking situation and I felt so dizzy I started to panic in the waiting room I had no idea how late they were running but I knew there was a good chance I had to go in alone as hubby hadn’t yet arrived. I looked up, tears streaming, I am one of those people whoses faces go red straightaway and I can’t hide it. Everyone avoided my gaze except one young man, at first I was embarrassed as he was looking at me. Then I noticed the handcuffs on his wrists and the prison officer next to him. I met his gaze and he looked so concerned for me I cried some more, he smiled a reassuring smile then someone sat down between us. I felt so humbled that this man felt compassion towards me. And I felt great compassion towards him also.

It reminded me that no matter how bleak things seem it is always possible to think of someone else. The Lord teaches that we should always be there for others as He is there for us. I have to say that I feel incredibly humbled that the Lord chose that young man to remind me of this.

 

My Faith

Update

I have been wanting to pop by and do an update for a few days now but I am unsure of what to say, truth is a lot has happened. Life is changing everyday and it’s all going a little too fast for me to record. I have gone from sitting in the same chair day in and out for years hardly going out to doing at least one thing a day, I still need rest days but even on those days I can still do a small task such make a drink or something. I am finding that I have pushed myself a bit far a couple for times as this is all new to me. I am having to take it slow but its still a faster pace than I am used to.

I thought I would just give you some highlights of the past several weeks (March and April so far)

3 hospital trips, I managed to do a CT scan last week which I am still a little amazed by as I still can not lie down properly. It was definitely an amazing experience one I will probably share in more detail later.

Gardening, I have been helping hubby in the garden mainly cuppa making duties but I have helped paint the poor neglected shed and have helped do a little digging. And yes that’s me painting a shed!! I am aware I look pretty rough (I haven’t looked well in a long time) but I don’t care because, yay, I am painting a shed!!

Last week I painted our upstairs doors, that too I am still a little amazed by though I did need to rest lots afterwards and lots of rest in between. I am finding that I can get up and do things in little spurts then I sit for a bit then do some more. Which is so amazing.

I have been in a few shops, this I am really excited about as I had gotten very afraid of going out as all the stimulation was too much but I have been in a few quiet shops and even bought my nephews a present myself for the first time since they were born! That was such a blessing. I bought them some car shoes.

I have also managed to visit some family. Hubby has been taking taking me out to these places not quite there to go on my own just yet but I am feeling so more hopeful than I ever have that one day I will be able to get out and about properly on my own. However I have been on a little walk out alone recently (today in fact, its so beautiful out there). The picture above is of my sisters little Chihuahua who was very interested in the biscuit I was eating.

Uni work, I have finished my first assignment for this module which was only 2 weeks late! Believe me compared to the last module that is a great improvement. I have a learning log/blog that I write here if anyone is interested in what I am doing.

So, as you can see a lot has happened, some of this is thanks to the fact that I have help cleaning now and that hubby is so willing to take me out to try new places. I have finally admitted I need help and I am very glad I did 🙂

And of course I couldn’t do anything without Jesus, today for example I stood at the top of a hill I hadn’t walked down in many years, I felt dizzy looking down and started to panic, I breathed and reminded myself of what He has done for me so far, that He has always been there for me and I felt His presence next to me reassuring me that I would be ok so I fought the urge to turn back and guess what, I was ok. (I took the pic once I had calmed down a little) I know a lot of people would think this is all in my head, something I am used to being accused of throughout my illness also. I am ok with that because, like my illness (which is now being proved via tests) I know it’s not and I will continue to look to Him for help and support as I receive it when I do. As will anyone who asks with a heart that wishes to seek Him.

Psalm 18:46 - NIV

God Bless

art journal · My Faith

Journaling

March has ended up being a fairly quiet month online, I will share what I have been doing soon. I have had this week off as hubby has been off work and I wanted to spend time with him. Things have been slowly getting busier this year and we both needed a break.

image

Today however I would like to share my journaling practice with you. You may have noticed that I have been sharing my pages on my wordless Wednesday series. I have been creating this way for a few years now but when I came to Christ He started to use it as a way to help me in my bible studies and getting to know Him more, help me to remember the lessons He has for me as well as a way to pray and worship.

image

I have never been interested in creating finished pieces of art in this way I have always used it as a way of exploration and now it has an added meaning to me. I dedicate it to the Lord and I am so grateful to Him for the enjoyment I get from creating.

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When you come to the Lord Jesus He takes you just as you are and He uses whatever situation you are in for His glory. We change  as we learn more about Him and allow the Holy spirit to change us (some changes happen instantly, such as the joy and peace only found in knowing Him). He will always use whatever gifts He has given us to use for His glory and to bring us closer to Him. For me, the enjoyment I get from being creative is one of those gifts. I don’t claim to be any good but that isn’t the goal.

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I enjoy this form of creativity more now than I ever have, it has more meaning to me now and I get so much more out of it.

I have shared this before I think but before I came to Christ I felt useless, everywhere I looked the media and society seemed to think that those of us who couldn’t work were lazy scroungers. I felt like I wasn’t contributing to anything and useless to the world.

The Lord has changed that, He has given me a purpose and that purpose is to live for Him, the best purpose there is. I used to care what others thought. Even though it was something that made me feel uncomfortable I allowed myself to be taken in by lies that we need to be earning lots of money and qualifications to be happy and for others to respect us. I tied myself up in knots trying to fit in and now I feel free 🙂  Its wonderful. I don’t have to impress anyone, I don’t have to do anything. Everything I do for the Lord is because I want to and I love it. He doesn’t ask anyone to come to Him or to do anything for Him out of duty. That is not what being a Christian is about at all. Everything we do is a response to His love. My heart sings with joy knowing that everything I love doing that is pleasing to Him He will use. Art and creativity is one of those things.

God Bless

And thou, Solomon my son, know thou the God of thy father, and serve him with a perfect heart and with a willing mind: for the LORD searcheth all hearts, and understandeth all the imaginations of the thoughts: if thou seek him, he will be found of thee; but if thou forsake him, he will cast thee off for ever. 

1Ch 28:9

Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ. 

 

My Faith

Expanding my world

I’ve been a little quiet this past week on social media, for the first time in a very long time I found that I just wanted to log off for a bit. Since I became ill the online world has provided me a lot of support and distraction but also became a bit of a crutch. I have found though that as I lean on the Lord more and more I find the things I used to need I don’t so much. This is good as it means that I can pop in just purely out of enjoyment and wanting to check in on friends as opposed to needing something to take my mind away from my life.

So what have I been doing? well something I have done a lot this week is go outside…I know. It been amazing. Due to my health and the fact my poor hubby has been holding down jobs (yes, plural), a business, uni as well as caring for me, cooking, cleaning etc has meant our garden became a little neglected. Now I am  feeling stronger, we are getting help with cleaning plus hubbies business is no more together with the wonderful weather we have been having has meant we have been able to get out. There’s still some work to be done but he has done an amazing job and there is actually a garden under all that overgrowth! Who knew 😉 I did help and I would like to think I was a help more than a hindrance but I am not so sure.

However while hubby was gardening yesterday I did pop out and did a little drawing something else which Is a first, I really enjoyed it and hope I can do it again soon.

I have also been in a couple of shops this week, this too is pretty amazing! Being in shops is not nice when you get over stimulated easily and some shops are better than others. There’s a lovely little craft shop near us that is small and quiet, no music plus the lighting is good and not too bright so hubby took me there and let me have a few bits. (this was to cheer me up but I will explain about that later). We then tried BNM bargains but that one was harder, busier so we went more or less straight in and out. I also managed to go into Morrisons yesterday, I didn’t go right in but the lighting in there is a lot better than other supermarkets and I feel I might be OK to try at a quieter time to go in properly.

I also went to the hospital, which turned out to be a bit of a shambles as I got the day wrong (hence the treat trip to the craft shop) but they remade my appointment and were very nice about my blunder, even though I wasn’t very nice to myself about it.

I also went for a little walk this past week with my Mum just to the field at the bottom of the road it was such a lovely day we had to take advantage.

So as you can tell, I have been living in real life more and more and I really do hope it continues.

 

It seems of the many many things the Lord is doing for me as well as slowly building my trust in Him and confidence He is also making my relationships healthier and my relationship with the internet is definitely getting better.  I think the internet is wonderful as is social media but I do have to admit I didn’t like how much time I spent on it and how much I used it to help me. My hubby used to joke that my laptop was the window to my world but it wasn’t just that, it was my world.

When I first became a Christian someone told me that the Lord would come through the fog but he has done so much more than that. He has cleared the fog and I am seeing more and more of the world around me again. My world is expanding past my sofa, laptop and phone and it feels amazing.

Gratitude doesn’t even cover it.

God Bless

 

healing · My Faith

Trials

Journal page from last week while hubby was away

I was hoping to write this earlier however this week has turned out to be a pretty dizzy one. Last week however turned out to be an unexpectedly good week.

A few months ago hubby told me he had been asked to go to Amsterdam for the week to big trade show. I will admit I got pretty upset, he hadn’t been away from home since he went to America with work in 2006 and while he was away my dizziness started. So I am sure you can imagine I was afraid. I prayed about it and knew that I couldn’t ask him not to go even though I really really wanted to and I knew that he wouldn’t go if I did. So I said OK. I put my trust in God.

I then put it in the back of my mind, if I am honest I kinda thought it wouldn’t happen. I was worried but I reminded myself that I had help I have never had before in the Lord. I prayed for support and help for that week and I left it there. I soon found people offering to come and stay with me and visit me, I was still scared but that comforted me.

So Monday morning came and I got upset, I didn’t freak out like the the last time though. My sister came to see me in the afternoon and there were no tears we just chatted and actually had a nice time. My Mum came to stay with me most nights which was wonderful as she prayed with me and we talked about the The Lord, I could feel his presence with us. On the Tuesday night we actually walked to the shop!  I was so surprised and we both said we felt like we were on holiday 🙂

Wednesday I had a friend stay over and my Pastor from church came to see me. I started to feel a bit dizzier by then (which this week has gotten quite a bit worse hence this post being late) but I still had a lovely time with them. Thursday was a harder day as I woke up to a vertigo attack, it was to be expected as I don’t usually go a week without having one. When my friend left I just sat and prayed and the Lord comforted me and helped me though. By the time my Mum came that night I felt better in myself, still pretty dizzy though. That night my sister actually took me out in her car to fetch Mum which was a huge blessing to get out ( I really wasn’t expecting to be able to get out at all that week). Friday afternoon and Tuesday afternoon my little sister came and she always makes me laugh. I have to say I was pretty overwhelmed by how many people wanted to help me, I didn’t ask for any of it. Plus I received lots of support from online friends too. I think I had one wobbly moment in the week and a lovely friend online was there to help.

How I was this time compared to last time was like night and day, just knowing the Lord was there helped me a great deal and He gave me the strength to heat up the meals my hubby left me with hardly any help and just enjoy spending time with those I love. The last time he went away even though I spent time with family I cried almost constantly and couldn’t appreciate being with them. This time was very different.

This has meant I have been able to put a huge fear to rest and that awful experience from when he went to America behind me. I can honestly say last week was a life changing experience for me and healing one. I know I was still ill while he was gone but if I wasn’t I wouldn’t have known if I could have coped with him being away while ill. I know this week wouldn’t have turned out the way it did without the Lords help and that I would have asked him not to go if I hadn’t been guided not too. I am so grateful to Him.

I am grateful to my friends and family too, thank you for being there for me. Considering a year ago I had cut all my family out as I couldn’t cope with seeing them I think we have come a long way. And as I look back I can see all the things the Lord did that felt uncomfortable at the time but have turned out for my own good. I pray I don’t forget this lesson.

God Bless

N.b – Sorry for the poor grammar and bad sentence structure in this post. I hope you understand it ok!