I shared a few posts ago now that I have been spending more time with my family. After my breakdown in 2010 I cut myself off from my family, I did see them but it wasn’t often. Whenever there was an organised event or birthday, I would get very anxious as being around people made me feel so unwell, the stimulus was too much. I found it hard to see and talk to anyone even my husband who had to come in from work so quietly as he knew that just that change would make me feel poorly. This depressed me deeply, I remember one family member going into hospital and I couldnt do anything to help, we nearly lost him and all I could do was sit in my living room waiting to hear any news. I felt like I had let everyone down and they were better off not being burdened by me.
When my mental health went downhill again in 2013 I reached out to my family, my Mum started to visit me on a Wednesday afternoon and chat to me via google hangouts as well. I became afraid to be alone and my family stepped up visiting me and checking in on me. I can’t actually list the amount of times I see and talk to my family now as it is so often. In the beginning of this year I even had my younger sister and her husband over for dinner and my older sister and her family. Seeing her boys is such a joy, I was so worried I would miss out on them growing up. The relationship with my Mum has grown so much in The Lord, when I was born again it was like I saw her for the first time, as I now understand that Jesus is with her.
About a month ago I went to see my 4 yr old nephew at his gymnastics class, it was a amazing. I had such an wonderful day, I went charity shopping with my sister and we spent the afternoon and evening laughing like old times.
A couple of months ago we had a surprise tea party for my Mum and we have had one each month since, yesterday it was at my older sisters and we had my 3 year old nephew as a guest, he got a grown up plate with cake which pleased him greatly and me and his Mama had fun blowing bubbles outside while he showed us how you catch them.
As I look back I now I realise how I allowed my illness to ruin so many relationships, I became bitter, jealous and resentful. I believed that everyone was thinking I was weak and pathetic and not trying hard enough. I thought everyone thought I was lying and making out my illness was worse than it was. It effected every relationship I had, especially my marriage.
Now things are very different. When I see my family and my husband I see what the Lord sees. I look forward to spending time with them. His love is so vast and He wants us all to love each other how He loves us. But first we have to know Him as on our own that is impossible. His love is pure and immeasurable. When we try to fit it into our own understanding we can’t understand it as its from a small and human perspective which is why we need to know Him. I mean really know Him, giving your life to Him, walking with Him daily. Turning our hearts to Him and putting Him first in everything. Going to Church each week and thinking that makes you a good person without giving your heart and life to Jesus doesn’t produce that love.
I want to share something… When I was a little girl I looked forward each week to seeing my Mama and Papa. Eveyone I knew that met them always said they felt drawn to them that there was something about them. And I felt it too, when I was with them I felt so comfortable they didnt make me feel silly for anything I said or did, they were so gentle, so gracious and kind and you knew it was real. My Papa had such a gentle and kind voice and when he talked everyone was quiet. He was very wise and I never saw him rise to provocation, he met hostility with grace and kindness. The same was for my Mama who had a beautiful singing voice that always quietened the room, they loved each other so deeply that you saw it every time they looked at one another. She would play the piano for us each week and we would all sing together. I loved them very much. When I was ill I used to console myself by reminding myself that they loved me, these kind and wonderful people loved me… I didn’t understand it because I knew next to them I was not a good person.
When I gave my life to Jesus and started to get to know Him I realised something. The love I felt wasnt just my grandparents. It was Jesus. He loved me and had done from the day I was conceived. He was gently calling me to Him. All those years ago. Next to Him I am not just a not good person for he is perfect but He loves me. And He loves my family He wants me to enjoy being with them and show them His Love. Through me He wants to show his grace and His love for everyone. I pray I can be as open and receptive to that as my Mama and Papa. I am very far from that right now. I hope that through me the Lord can reach other people who felt like I did, lost, afraid, alone and scared and so He can say to them, its ok, I love you. Come home.
This Journal page was inspired by a video I saw of my Mum and the home league group she attends at the salvation army, I felt truly blessed by it 🙂 My Mum is the one on the far right.
God Bless x